[tw: self-harm]
i turn 21 tomorrow and feel pretty terrible about it. i didn’t want to make it to 21. i wanted to be ashes by now. i told my family i don’t want a special meal or a cake or presents, but they’re nice people so they’re insisting. i think my brother feels bad for screaming at me and basically telling me i was worthless, a few weeks ago (the first time he’s ever treated me that way…can’t say i didn’t deserve it haha). he insists on at least picking up good food. why.
i wish i was dead. i have a list of suicide methods cycling through my head that i’m wondering if could get away with tonight. there’s just too much going wrong with school and home. my life is irredeemable, and i definitely don’t deserve a birthday. i mean, i really should never have been born to begin with. god i really want to cut now too. i want to slice my limbs open and watch everything turn red. i want to die.
6 comments
gtsuicide6, if you happen to see this post and still want to talk privately, i can post my email here.
Wow. I did manage to see this post. Particularly because the title made me relate to it…
Ugh, I hate birthday too, all that unwanted attention just because I was born and every presuming what you want , what do you want to do ,where do you want to go, I dknt want to do anything I want to sit in my room and sleep go away and if you so happen to get a suggestion nobody wants to do it anyway. So buzz off. Try to make it through the night… maybe it won’t be so bad though maybe you’ll get something you want to make you happen mommentarily at least you can feel that sweet feeling.
I want to begin by saying, this post is something I relate to the most. In 2 months, I will take my life. The thing is, the date is set for my birthday. Its cruel, really, to end your life during a celebration, the day when people tend to remember you and shower you with love. Yet its hhe same day you’ve been planning for months. And in the end, all the love you receive feels incompatible and a waste, at that point in time.
Yet, killing yourself on a birthday; thats what I felt had made the most sense. It was the day you were born, why not end it that same day?
It is, however, a SPECIAL type of New Years. This time its not celebrated around the world, but its celebrated for you, and you’re surrounding with everyone who wants to celebrate with you.
But at that point, its too late.
By the time the cake comes out, I’ll be gone.
And by the time the candles are lit on fire, they’ll be gone.
Because those candles will not be celebrating, but soon commemorating.
Birthdays suck. The only good thing about them is that sometimes people give you gifts.
other then that they are just a nuisance. I think B-days should be for children. Once you hit 21 years of age they should stop celebrating b-days.
I’ve always felt a sadness at the time of my birthday because of my long-time feelings of ambivalence about life, wishing I’d never actually been born. Also, no one has ever made a big deal of my b-day. It mostly gets ignored. I, like GT, planned my suicide for my b-day in April, but now I don’t think I can wait that long.