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I’m so exhausted….

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I wish I had more energy, but life beats me down relentlessly. I’ve been unable to breathe for the last few weeks. Cold weather really messes with my lungs and turns them into bags of endless mucus and the slightest move I make causes me to hack up a lung… which is really making it 1000x harder to get around, on top of my normal disabilities.

I had to tell a friend of 8 years to fuck off because she really screwed with my feelings. Or,s he showed she doesn’t give a fuck about my feelings. On a Monday she asks me to ask if I can get Friday off so we can go to a meet & greet before a concert. So she has me get out of work, gets my hopes up that I’m going to go see them (because one of the guys is the other guy in my heart), and late Wednesday night she goes behind my back and sells the ticket for that. And that was a few hours after her demand to even come meet me was if I could get her a full tank of gas, an oil change, and pay for the repair of fixing a brake light that was out. So it really shattered my world because the person I wanted to see is someone that I hold dear to my heart and she knows that, but decided to fuck with my feelings anyway. She had me ask to get the day off of work and then backs out on me because she doesn’t care about anybody else but herself. To me, my point is when you make a promise you keep your word. You also don’t fuck with people’s feelings and get their hopes up for nothing. And finally, you don’t ask someone to request a day off of work just to flake out on them. But I had to realize she’s so spoiled and she always does this. It’s like I have to give her the star treatment to get her to go to a show with me. After all the times I’ve paid for shows & vip, rented cars and drove 10+ hours, and got a hotel so Her Majesty wouldn’t have to drive 40 min home when my drive home was 10 hours! For real this is how she acts? I had to realize it must be normal in her world to ask others for the red carpet treatment because she’s mentioned her parents being rich and giving her everything she asks for. But if getting money out of someone was her #1 concern and not my feelings, then she shouldn’t have even called me about it in the first place. So yeah I ended it. I’m really too old for this shit. I can’t imagine being 40 without a care in the world. “I never went to college because I knew I didn’t have to. My parents will support me.” Yeah, it all came flooding back the things I’ve heard over the years.

So you know what happened? The other guy I love, the one that I do know ‘in real life’, he was so sweet and proved himself to be a true friend. When I told him what happened, he said the most he could borrow off of a couple of people would cover both our tickets and one vip pass and if I could just buy the other vip pass, he would take me because he wanted to see me happy. But I told him it wasn’t worth stretching ourselves so thin when we are barely able to survive on what little we make, and that just the fact that he would have pulled together that much money in an instant just to see me happy really shows he cares and is a true friend. Yeah it still hurts to see him complain endlessly in his facebook feed about being alone and unwanted when he knows I would worship him for eternity and love him endlessly…. -sigh- But at least he’s a true friend.

Also, my computer’s getting more fucked. The back, like where the screen meets the body of a laptop, the plastic there has been broken for a long time, like over a year. Well it finally happened that my display got all messed up. Yes, you can use it like that, but god is it hard on the eyes to see all the flickering neon pink lines! So I found a teeny tiny little cloth-like piece that had come undone, and I duct taped it back in place. And, I have a clear view again. Well, for now. My guess is it’s not something replaceable. It looks like something that would be put in place by a machine in production. And my guess is it’s glued, not soldered. It’s not even the cable, but something that holds the cable to the metal. So, anyway, the fear in losing use of my computer is that I’d never have a chance in life without it. This is ALL I know how to do. I was lucky and got this Macbook Pro from being a student at Full Sail, and it came with Adobe CS6 which to buy that, costs more than a new comparable Macbook. They don’t even make real computers anymore. Solid state drives are the big thing which means you get some shit like 16 or 32GB hard drive inside. Even if it’s 120GB that’s still not enough. For fuck’s sake, this is all I know!! Without creative work, I’m done. I don’t have $1300 for a new Macbook (one with a real hard drive: 500GB) let alone the $1500 for Cs6. I got the jobs that I have, in part, because I came with my own computer and the software needed to do the job. And I’ll never get beyond the basic social media management shit and get to do the real work we do if my computer dies. And even if I could get a full time job, you have to have your own computer. Now that desktops are out, companies don’t have computers sitting around, you have to come in with your own. I got a cheap display adapter that works, so I can connect this to a monitor or TV. I just got to get an HDMI cable of my own next so I can plug up anywhere. THis computer is my life, my lifeline, the only thing that gets me paid at all, and I’m absolutely dead in the water without it. I’m seriously fucking scared of losing everything I’ve got going because I don’t have $3000 on hand to get a new Mac & CS6.

But you know what else? My guy that I like was willing to loan me his laptop for as long as I need. See, he’s a true friend. And last I saw him, his face was a little more filled out again, and so he looked absolutely gorgeous. I can’t help but think he’s the most gorgeous man to ever walk the earth. He is just, god damn… Fucking perfection. -sigh- But at least he’s a real friend and he does care.

Anyway, back to work I guess. My first job has me down to 10 hours, which that will barely cover the weekly bus pass while my 2nd job barely covers rent. Fuck having anything else. 🙁

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