It’s taken quite a while to get Login details sorted out, but finally here I am. I’ve read other people’s posts for a several months, but it is good to have a voice on SP at last. So hello to everyone.
What brought me here is probably the best place to start my tale. I was searching on the Web for methods, and SP was one of the results because of the word ‘suicide’. It’s good for people to have somewhere they can go and discuss freely what’s happening to them and not have to bottle things up inside.
Anyway, back to my story. I am female and 51 years old. I live in the County of Kent, in the UK. I have a husband (been together since 1993), no children (our choice), a house and four cats. I work Monday-Friday in a busy office, do volunteer work on Saturdays at my local rehoming cattery and have a lie-in on Sunday then do the laundry and housework. So far, so ‘normal’ I suppose most people would assume. No problems, everything’s tickety-boo.
Then why do I feel so lonely? Sometimes I feel like it’s suffocating me and I can’t breathe properly. There’s no-one who I connect with enough to even begin to explain what being me is really like. People ask the usual superficial questions to which I respond to with the usual superficial answers – “I’m fine”, “Okay thanks” etc etc. My whole life is summed up thus: I’m no-one’s first thought, just their final resort. I long for the person who will put me first. I’m still waiting. Every day a little bit more of me gives up and dies. I’m typing this on my phone whilst on the train home (6.45pm UK time). I must look so ordinary to everyone who glances my way.
I caught Johnny Cash’s version of ‘Hurt’ on TV last night whilst channel surfing. It’s a difficult listen because it packs such a punch, but highly recommended nonetheless.
Bye for now.
K
15 comments
Welcome iv been here for a couple months now it’s a friendly place I’m from the uk I’m from London funny thing 🙂
My job is in London! I spend a lot of time on a train each day commuting. People always think that it must be tedious, but funnily enough I quite enjoy it. I just put the music on and zone out (oh…and fall asleep as well). I always find it strange that I have no problem with being on my own. I only feel inadequate when faced with other people and knowing that I don’t ‘fit in’.
Oh u work in London how do u find it here when I went to Kent it was pretty calm I find London to fast I can keep up with it no more lol young but old mind I guess
Can’t
Hello hampshire girl. i’m glad you finally have a voice here and its nice to meet you. I can relate with the suffocating loneliness.. i have people in my life who care about me.. so why do i feel this way?
I hate those superficial questions. its all to easy to smile and say you’re fine, then they’ll just leave you alone. but why can’t they see you’re hurting? why? what does it take to be noticed in this world, you know? ok i’m starting to rant now. my bad.
I’m not a johnny cash fan but will listen to your recommendation nonetheless.
Anyway, it’s really nice to meet you and thank you for sharing your story. ‘m here if you ever need to talk.
Thanks, nice to meet you too! I’ve always known that I don’t fit in, so enjoying my own company has become second nature after all these years! As I’ve got older my inclination to try to be social has pretty much gone and I couldn’t give a toss what people think of me. An example of that is that when people at work give me a Christmas card, I’ll just throw it away. Hubby thinks that’s rude, but I say I put it in the bin with same thought and care with which it was given to me – i. e. none whatsoever!
I’ve observed that loneliness seems to be the #1 reason for people being here. That’s probably because loneliness is one of the most painful things a living creature will ever feel. If you rescue cats or other animals, you know that isolated animals go mad, fearful, aggressive and even suicidal (starving themselves). It’s funny that loneliness doesn’t seem to exist in the wild. Only in human society, even extending to the non-human animals we neglect. What is this new plague we have invented? Well, this doesn’t help but I just wanted to say hello to a fellow animal lover.
Oh yes, I love my cats. Three of them are elderly (over 12 years) and my most recent edition, Ollie, is only four years old. All of them have been rehomed from the place I volunteer at. I recently found out I’m allergic to cats and dogs, but I’ll dose myself up with anti-histamines rather than give up my furry babies! They keep me sane. Ollie is ‘my’ cat, he sits on my lap and wants cuddles and sleeps next to me on the bed.
I can relate to the loneliness and am also an animal lover. I own a small black cat that I adopted a few years ago and now she’s grown attached to me even though I feel lonely in her presence; me being with her seems to pacify her and keep her happy. The hardest part about leaving will be giving her up, my mind doesn’t like to think about it. At the same time it would be absurd for me to keep living and suffering in loneliness just to pacify her 🙁
Other people I’ve met in real life never take much notice of me and I feel alone in a crowd worse then curling up in a ball under my bed sheets, they definitely amplify that sad, lonely feeling.
Loneliness definitely sucks :/ ..sending hugs your way.
I’ve always thought it odd that I have no problem with being on my own. I read somewhere once that being alone is a choice and being lonely is not. Is it that simple? I remember being asked some years ago what my greatest fear was – my response was “other people”. That’s what they call a conversation stopper and no mistake!! People are mostly two-faced selfish liars and just out for themselves – especially at work. I have two good friends, but I don’t trust enough to confide in them. Trust is a fragile thing and I don’t have much left to give anyone anymore.
thank you so much for sharing… i am also new fairly new here.. crazy to say i rather live it here.. and by twist of fate my life has been indelably changed in only a week, in am amazing way.. i look forward to speaking with you over time…and thanks for gracing us with your presence.. ever need anyone to talk too… i am here
Thank you for your kind comments.
you are welcome.. this really is a great place to be and the johnny cash song HURT is amazing. if you have not heard the original that it was made from you should check it out..
Welcome, Hampshire Girl! I think you will find some very good companionship, which will hopefully assuage some of your loneliness. People here are anything but superficial. How old were your elderly cats when they were rehomed? I’ve been wanting to rehome my old girl (13 1/2) as I’m planning my imminent demise. But her health is not great, and I couldn’t bear to put her in a shelter. Sadly, I’ll probably have to put her to sleep.
I usually go for the ones over 10 years old.
1. Mickey. He’s nearly 16. He ended up at the cattery because his owner had died and no-one in the family could take him on. He’s also deaf as a post!
2. Jinx. He’s in his mid teens and diabetic. We were asked to take him on after his owner died of cancer last year. He’s a large cat and weighs in at around 7 kilos.
3. Lucky. We’ve had him the longest and he’s about 18-20. He’s very timid and gets bullied a lot by the others.
4. Ollie. My baby. He’s only 4. He senses when I’m down and sits beside me to keep me company, or jumps onto my shoulders and kinda drapes himself around me. Hubby is jealous about Ollie – “that cat’s trying to push me out” – blah, blah.
I’m known at the Cattery as the last chance saloon! I’ve worked there for nearly 10 years now, and the tally of those we’ve loved and lost is currently running at around 15 or so.