No Reason to Stay Alive

Finally found reasons to die…but not even one to keep staying alive.

This is such a f-cked up world.

In this page, I feel real freedom swirling around me. I can express whatever I want to say, and I know that I just often post or log in, like to be honest this is my second post since I joined last month. (It’s not as if I’m the only one). But oh well, doesn’t matter. Just found a reason to be online everyday. I’d probably be too noisy here than in the outside world, but who cares…nobody, of course.

I’ve had enough of everything. Literally, everything.

When I go to school everyday, I put that f-cking disguise on my face. What is it? Ting…ting…ting…

You’re right! A smile. I greet and smile at everyone I know.

But then there was something missing.

No. Not missing.

Something I still don’t understand.

But now I get it. Now I know.

I’ve been used. Not the slutty way, but the ‘used-by-shitty-people-whenever-they-need-you-and-then-dump-you-right-after-getting-what-they-want-out-of-you’ way. Worse, they were close to me.

They started noticing why I don’t speak to them anymore, or I don’t goof and joke around anymore, or even not play games with them. Me, being me, I just shrug and smile. They think the person they know or they see rather, is still there. But her soul already left Earth, buried to the deepest part of wherever corners of the Earth as long as she’ll be forgotten.

She’s me. She was me. Now she’s gone. Forever. (I don’t honestly believe in forever).

A dark-humored, dimhearted soul took over the body. The one that gave me reason to rather die than live. There’s nothing special waiting for me in the afterlife anyway. I’ll probably be doomed with stares and glares from whoever those will come from. Bleeh, you get my point.

I know you’ll think that it’s just a shallow reason and that I’m a shallow person. But believe me, there’s more than just to what I’m saying right now.

I don’t want to find reasons to live, coz’ I’m starting to see the world shrinking.

I’m a rookie at this, so comments for ways to die easily is considered and appreciated.

My family and my f-cking friends will probably see me hanging with a rope tied around my neck, my face scrunched for gasping for air and struggling. Or maybe, bubbles from the reaction of my body from taking in too much pills or cyanide will do. Or jumping off a six-storey building. Too cliche, I know. But, whatever.

Fifty-seven days before graduation. Should I wait? Or not?

Oh well, what a life. What a shitty, f-cked-up, sad life.

Thanks for reading and coping with my rants tho.