i just survived one of the worst times in my life. i was happy, i had friends, and i threw it all away for a manipulative asshole. i’m usually dissapointed in myself anyways but as of right now ive never hated my guts as much as i do now.
i cant beleive i let something like that slip away from me. i cant beleive i betrayed a friend, rationalizing, thinking everything would be okay. i still cant beleive how much of an idiot i am.
i feel so bad when anyone has to be around me. i feel fucking awful when people get close to me. all i do is hurt people. i secretly want to push away all of my friends away. that way theyre safe from me. god idk why people keep forgiving me. i shouldve died years ago.
idk i really dont want things to be as bad as they were before, even though i deserve it. im going to try and commit myself to an art project. some commision works of some of my pain. (like they even deserve to be expressed i hate myself too im sorry) ill be posting them on here.
but idk im thinking of just taking a huge break from everyone. as painful as it sounds. (the voice in my head just screamed you deserve it you piece of shit when i wrote this) i need time to recover and better myself. its weird though i dont know how im gonna manage alone when i dont even beleive i deserve to live.