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not functioning enough

by evildandelions

I’m (supposedly) feeling less depressed.  And yet why can’t I function any better?  For the first time ever I’m late with turning in a (creative) writing assignment. I’m so embarrassed and even more stressed/anxious in that I don’t even know how I’ll get it done.  I’m a good writer, but I just haven’t felt creative since my fiance and I broke up.  Maybe painting I could do, but words and plot require thinking. I can write a beginning, even a beginning I like, but then I’m stuck.  The only piece I wrote a significant amount of words to I now hate because of the direction it turned in.  I tried to change it, but it still isn’t…right. I just feel blocked. Mentally. Foggy.

And I have a quiz in my math class, the important class, and I don’t know what to do there.  I’ll probably be able to go to class then- my plan was to sleep through the English class since I’m feeling nausea and dizziness due from re-starting Metformin after a few days without it and it’s made worse by the caffeine I drank last night, which I happen to be sensitive to.  It was stupid to take anyway because it didn’t end up helping me write last night at all.  If only I wasn’t so anxious today.  I could still try to study a little before class, but again, my mind feels foggy.  Maybe that’ll improve after I sleep a little more.

I really thought I’d be functioning better.  Maybe I’m not as improved as I thought.  I still have anxiety and maybe ADD is playing a part too- I’m so avoidant with homework I think because I know it’ll frustrate me, not understanding it (math) or feeling/being unable to do it (writing).  Maybe I’m just lazy.  Or all three?

But I can not screw up my math class.  That would extend my graduation and make me so so sad. I would also be sad to drop my english class, because it’s a class I enjoy and would enjoy more so if I didn’t feel so creatively blocked.  Also, admittedly, I want to stay in the hope that I make a friend.  I’ve never made a friend in a writing class before- I might’ve given off more anti-social vibes then, maybe?  But unlike math classes, people have to talk to each other so there’s always a chance…

Ugh I can feel the metformin starting to make my stomach hurt. Eating would make it better, but I have no appetite.  I’ve been losing maybe too much weight (my boobs have shrunk enough none of my bras fit properly anymore).  I guess I can try to sleep through it.

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