Not Ready to be 20

I thought I’d post what’s on my going on in the series of setbacks that is my life since I have no one else to talk to.

My car is having problems and it’s super old so I’d say it’s about done, and I don’t have the money to replace it. I had a nicer car before, but someone totaled it and openly admitted they knew the accident was their fault, they knew they were going to hit me and still hit me going 75 mph. His insurance had to cover that car, but the car title was in my dad’s name and my dad kept all the money from that car, leaving me with my crappy first car that I was getting ready to sell.

My job has been promising me more hours and if they couldn’t find enough hours they would train me to do something else. They scheduled me more hours for one week, now they have cut my hours and refuse to train me to do something else. I might possibly have another job so hopefully that works, but I’m already so stressed for money so if that doesn’t work out I’m screwed.

After encouraging me to kill myself multiple times my mom has been calling/ harassing/ texting me non-stop and is pissed I don’t want to talk to her, but she’s always been that way. She thinks she can say whatever she wants to me when she feels like it and then the next day it will be forgiven and won’t matter. but I’ve been so broken up over the messed up stuff she’s said to me for years.

My birthday is the 24th and I’m dreading it so much. I’ve always hated birthdays, they make me feel like I’ve just waited another year of my life being god damn miserable, I feel so old and something about being 20 just sounds horrible. I know I will have to celebrate with my step-family who are a bunch of racist rednecks. All I can think about is my last birthday when my boyfriend dumped me and told me he never gave a shit about me and I wasn’t good enough for him and I swore to myself that I would not live to see another birthday, and I’m so pissed off that I’m still here to see this one.