I’m nearly 50, alone, poor and think about suicide every single day. I work hard, I am intelligent, I have had previous success in my life, but my line of work is extremely competitive and I must battle for even marginal pay. I live in a hovel, have no heating (even my space heater causes my powerstrip to overload, so my electricity is problematic), I work seven days a week and have done so for more than five years now. I have not even taken a minor vacation of one day since December 2010 so I am in my apartment constantly ( I work from home as a freelance writer of business documents and proposals). I am just so fucking tired. I have not spent a night away from this shit apartment for more than five years. I have applied to hundreds and hundreds of writing/editing jobs with exactly zero responses. At my age, even with a modicum of intelligence, the prospects are getting exceedingly thin and I am so terrified of becoming homeless. I have zero dollars in savings, I have student loans that are killing me, credit card bills that I’m late on all the time, I eat only pasta and tomato paste every day (I make one pound of pasta daily for around 85 cents and one small can of tomato paste for around 45 cents — so I eat for less than 1.50 each day but oh my god I am sick of pasta and nothing else would be as cheap — I have had the same food for about a year now), I have no car, I have no extra money to even go to Taco Bell or go to a movie once in a while. So, my life is this and has been for years — no friends because they all long ago got tired of picking up their nearly 50 year old friend and anyway I can’t even afford a beer at a bar…no entertainment out so I watch TV and read books and while I love reading I go sometimes three or four days without talking to or seeing another human being…my living condition is really terrible, just a converted garage with no insulation and no main heating for winter or AC for summer and the reason I live here is because it is pretty cheap but my landlord takes my rent in cash and doesn’t declare it and also fixes nothing because when I ask him to he says (because he’s rich), “if you move out I could drop ten grand into your place and triple the rent” and he’s right so I just don’t complain about anything because I have NOWHERE ELSE TO GO. I’m so so so so so so so so tired of living like I do. I once had dreams, I once had friends, I once had hopes, but now my life is purely just treading water with no real prospects of ever doing any more than that. Also, being a male near 50 I should be going to the doctor for a checkup and haven’t been to one in 15 years and when I tried to get medical help from the state I couldn’t do it because they required an address and the place I live in is illegal and not zoned for a human to live in so there is no lease, no official record of where I live. I am so fucking tired.
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Oh… You have the age of my father. He is poor too. He worked in the army but lost his job and now he works as a guard. He suffers from terrible headaches. He eats bad food too as he always says: “Life is hard”. In some ways, he may have been punished by fate as he used to beat me and say nasty words to me. He suffers much but keeps living.
You seem to be a strong person. You have survived so many years. Others would have already commited suicide. Don’t worry if you get homeless. There a lot of homeless people in America.
Anonymous can take care of you. Watch their videos. There are plenty on the internet. They give hope to millions of people.
You don’t realize how much respect I have for you. Your life is a source of respect for me.
Manuel
Oh… You have the age of my father. He is poor too. He worked in the army but lost his job and now he works as a guard. He suffers from terrible headaches. He eats bad food too as he always says: “Life is hard”. In some ways, he may have been punished by fate as he used to beat me and say nasty words to me. He suffers much but keeps living.
You seem to be a strong person. You have survived so many years. Others would have already commited suicide. Don’t worry if you get homeless. There a lot of homeless people in America.
Anonymous can take care of you. Watch their videos. There are plenty on the internet. They give hope to millions of people.
You don’t realize how much respect I have for you. Your life is a source of respect for me.
Manuel
I am so sorry. This is terrible
My heart goes out to you. I just turned 40 and I just got laid off. I’m alone too and I’m scared of what the future holds. I wish it were easier to die because then I wouldn’t have to fight through this mess.
I feel your pain. You describe a completely unacceptable way to live. I chuckled (a not-so-funny chuckle) when reading that your space heater causes your powerstrip to overload. When I got space heaters a few years ago (to avoid using my expensive central heat) I was surprised that using certain electrical outlets cause the circuit breaker to blow. I have only 3 outlets where I can plug in the space heaters.
I’m 60 and mostly retired…. but without ‘retirement’ $$. I still work a little, and I receive a very small monthly SS survivor widow benefit because of the death of my first husband. I’m on a tight budget.
I spent my work-life as a part-time accountant while I was a stay-at-home mom. I primarily worked from home, having the good fortune to have considerate clients.
Being an accountant, I naturally analyze things, including budgets of others. After reading your unfortunate dilemma, I wonder about your income and expenses. You receive just “marginal pay” and you have worked 7 days a week for 5 years. As a freelance writer, I assume you get paid by the job. Even if your earnings equate to only $5 per hour, that equals $280 per week, which equals about $14,000 per year. That’s definitely poverty level, AND completely unfair.
Maybe you earn less than this.
You spend about $600 per year on food. You say your rent is “pretty cheap” in a “converted garage with no insulation.” If your rent is $200 or $300 per month, that equals about $3,000 per year. Add electric, phone, and you spend about $4,000 each year, not including credit card and student loan payments.
I’ve helped people get out of debt…. totally out of debt. It took several years to pay off their credit cards, but they did it. There are agencies that, for a nominal fee, work up a plan of loan consolidation for debt relief. They are able to negotiate a ‘deal’ with the credit card companies for a lower interest rate and a reasonable payment plan.
Example is nfcc.org/ – The National Foundation for Credit Counseling® (NFCC®)
Some other ideas:
Community food pantries – many cities/towns have a once-a-week opportunity for anyone to pick up free food, no questions asked. You’d get more variety than just pasta and tomato paste.
Government medical help – MEDICAID or local health department. Does your landlord care at all about your wellbeing? Could you use your landlord’s address as the official record of where you live? Or an address of a prior friend?
Wow dude that’s really fucked up.
You need to send your story to someone like oprah or ellen or 60 minutes or whatever you guys have over there in the US because someone may just give you a helping hand.
Post a video on you tube or somewhere to draw attention to someone that is rich that could help you. Here in Australia we have lots of charities and churches that help out with food and vouchers, perhaps you could look in to that. There is no shame in asking for help.
There is so much money in this world to go around to help everyone, you just need to put it out there somehow. If I was rich I’d help. Sorry.