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Option fucking 2

by NiDDA

I made a death cocktail so strong (if crushing a total amount of 525 pills into strawberry juice counts strong – most bitter juice that I have ever drunk) that I blacked out when I was done with the half of it. It was on Saturday night on the 13th of February. My mom woke me up on Monday and insisted me to go to a mental hospital, and I did. I was in a ward which had cameras in every corner, every room. We were allowed to smoke only 3 times a day, and this was the worst for me. I fucking love smoking, and I hate being locked up. A day ago I was transferred to an other unit of the hospital where I can go out to the yard everytime I want to without a nurse in my ass.
Seeing my mom crying and being miserable because of what I’ve  done made me realize that she couldn’t live without me. If I had died, I would never seen her in that condition, but now that I have seen her, I couldn’t do it again.
I try to make little plans, one of it is changing my location. I feel like I have to leave this city behind and start a brand new life somewhere else. I really want to take a make-up course and became a make-up artist, because I am so into make-up and I am also good at it. These are my goals for now, these are the things that keep me alive, give me some hope.

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7 comments

BL98 2/25/2016 - 2:21 pm

be happy , your mom loves you , you are good at something and you can still believe in yourself and can hope for something better to happen . I hope it goes well for you , life , plans , everything … you seem like a nice person too btw

NiDDA 2/25/2016 - 2:41 pm

I am far from being happy, but since I’ve been in the hospital, I feel like I am making some progress. I still feel suicidal, but I also think about my future plans. I take every creative course just to make me busy and I can’t remember the last time I read this many books that I read nowadays.
I ama nice person, but many times it is so hard to believe that I am worth something.
I seem a total different person than a few weeks ago.

thanaturge 2/25/2016 - 2:49 pm

NiDDA, it is great to hear of your progress. It sounds like a move may be just the thing you need. Wonderful that you are keeping busy with creative pursuits and reading. Many of us are plagued with questions about our self worth and value, so do not feel alone in this.

deadmanliving 2/25/2016 - 4:48 pm

I feel like crying Im so glad you are alive. I pray things will work out for you.

Drowning 2/25/2016 - 5:08 pm

Hope things work out setting goals is a good start

Snow Fox 2/25/2016 - 6:54 pm

One day at a time right? After all, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

I’m glad you feel like you can begin to look at the future again, even if it is hard and painful most of the time. I’m glad your still around to tell us how things went. Also glad you have your mother, and I hope you find a way to move or take those courses.

NiDDA 2/26/2016 - 7:28 am

I mentioned in my postponed goodbye post that even if we are not technically friends, I feel rwsponsible for this community.

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