Seeing my Mother so helpless is killing me.

I was born with an anxiety disorder as well as some minor facial deformities and cognitive deficits that affect my ability to socialize and have been struggling with all these things along with major depression and body dysmorphia for much of my life (am 21 btw).  I have nothing in life, no friends, just dropped out of college, can’t hold a job, and very little family.  I actually just met my father for the first time this past year and was hopeful that that could blossom into a positive relationship.  But while I recently was in his city for unrelated reasons I offered to meet up with him and hang out for a day, to which he refused. That incident basically put the nail in the coffin in terms of that relationship for me, kinda wish I never met him.  This combination of mental illness and loneliness has made me extremely suicidal, it’s all I think about these days.  I attempted suicide for the first time a couple months ago and since then have been hospitalized three times.

I now have what I believe is a full proof suicide plan and will go through with it very soon, maybe within the month.  I am at peace with my decision and am looking forward to it, but what saddens me is that my mom knows that I probably won’t be here much longer.  She is your typical helicopter parent and has been in control of almost everything throughout my life (which I believe added to my list of psychological issues).  She realizes there is nothing she can do to stop this, she can’t have a meeting with my brain and threaten to sue or have it fired if it doesn’t change things like she’s done in past situations.  She has had people from church come to talk and pray over me and hooked me up with different psychiatrists and therapists that she’s found.  All I can do is humor her and act like the prayer, medications, and therapy sessions are working.   It hurts me seeing her like this but I know if I continue to live I will only be a drain on her emotionally and financially for the rest of her life. In a weird way suicide brings me a sense of comfort because I know in the long run, me staying alive will ultimately cause her more pain and stress than my death will.