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Self-Hate and Lovely Death

by Lorelei X

I want to overdose and die

I want death

So badly

So badly

I almost crave it.

How do I stop these thoughts? All I seem to think about is deathSuicide. Being pain free. Am I wrong for that? Am I being selfish? Don’t I have a say in my life? Yes… I am being selfish. And, yes, I am wrong.

Where has the time gone? I’m losing track of everything and I can’t seem to grip onto something and stay focused and keep moving with life. I feel so stuck and out of place and away from myself, from the world, from reality. I’m so lost and angry and horribly sad and I want nothing more than for all of my emotions to go away, to be eliminated. I want my life to be over. I have everything to lose and I’m okay with losing it. But then again I’m not. Then again I have my loves that I don’t want to hurt. Even though I’ve already hurt them. All I seem to do is hurt; myself and those around me. I don’t necessarily want to leave them… if only they could leave with me. If we could all end our pain together… that would be paradise. 

I am so cold

Waiting for some warmth

Waiting for a breakthrough

I am empty and I am broken

Or maybe it’s all in my head

Maybe everything isn’t as bad as it seems

Maybe I’m just the problem

Yeah…

think  know I’m the problem.

I’m always the problem.

I absolutely hate myself. I want to die. I want to be killed. I pray to God that I die in my sleep. 

There’s always a lose/lose in my life, never a win, especially for the people around me. I benefit no one and nothing. I hate me and all that I am. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I fucking hate myself. I just want to be dead already. I can’t even cry at this point… I feel like I’m in shock. This depression is me. I don’t like me. I don’t like me at all. I look in the mirror with disgust and confusion. God, I just want to die. Please, God, Please. Let me get an incurable disease and die. Let everyone around me be okay with my death and wish me luck, hope that I go to Heaven. Not that I deserve it. Because I don’t. I deserve nothing. But death. I don’t deserve the bitter sweet gift of life when all I do is misuse it and hurt others. I’m a failure. I’m ashamed of myself. There is nothing more that I can do or say. I am a complete failure, all that I feel for myself is hate and disgust and shame. So, why not kill myself? Then those around me would move on and be with people that won’t hurt them or let them down or waste their time.

“I’m nobody. Who are you? Are you nobody too?” –E.D.

 

 

 

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6 comments

jaynecobb 2/9/2016 - 6:17 pm

I’m really sorry that you’re going through all of that, Lorelei.

I don’t know how to stop the thoughts; I struggle with them too. But the thoughts aren’t a sign that you’re selfish. It’s a sign that you’re in pain and struggling.

Try to hold onto those positive feelings you have for those around you. Maybe they can help light the way out.

Lorelei X 2/9/2016 - 6:52 pm

Thank you for your kind words @jaynecobb and I know I shouldn’t feel selfish but I can’t help it. I can’t stop/help any of these thoughts. Ranting and stuff like this helps calm me down momentarily and I do try to think positively and do things that I enjoy but as we all know, dealing with severe depression and self esteem/hate issues is very challenging.

jaynecobb 2/9/2016 - 7:06 pm

I know how those types of thoughts can take on a life of their own. It’s ok to feel bad, and it’s ok to feel bad about feeling bad. But our feelings don’t define us. I hope sharing what you’re going through helped you somewhat.

Lorelei X 2/9/2016 - 7:26 pm

Well thank you again 🙂 and I hope you’re okay and will get through whatever you’re going through (if you’re going through something). @jaynecobb

Gary 2/9/2016 - 11:37 pm

Dear mother of God……..I have a twin. OMG

I can very well sympathize with your situation.

The hate won’t wash away.

Lorelei X 2/10/2016 - 8:12 am

Hey twin! But yeah, the hate definitely won’t go away. It’s so crippling and controlling. @Gary I didn’t always used to be this way either and that’s another thing that sucks

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