So lonely, so desperate, so lost…edited

This is a first, reaching out because I’ve reached my end thinking this is going to take so much energy to write and expecting no response it hardly seems worth the effort. I’m a walking contradiction… I’ve read a few enteries and like some of you, I suffered a horribly abusive childhood however I can’t get over it. That said, I’m house bound, self inflicted. I haven’t left my house in ages, afraid of being judged, having to talk, seeing someone I know and having to pretend that my life is perfect which it isn’t. I’ve lots of bad habits, one of many is talking in circles, I’m sorry. I’ve was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 17, been on antidepressants since forever. My first suicide attempt was at 13, I don’t think I wanted to die cause I called a family member when I began feeling very much out of sorts and she rushed me to the hospital, where the Dr’s didn’t believe that I had taken the amount of medication that I truly had, here began my fight with life, every aspect of it. Oh shit, I remember when I was discharged my mother came to get me and was supposed to bring a change of clothes and forgot underwear and shoes, yup, humiliating. Fast forward to today, countless failed suicide attempts later, living w a man who treats me like arm candy or like shit depending on the day lol (I glance in the mirror and see an unattractive, desperate, pathetic ANGRY sad empty desperate loser)

I’ve never loved him. I never wanted to love him, I just settled like I always do, thinking that I don’t deserve better so wtf, just settle. he was a way out from my verbally physically abusive family. I hate him, that’s so mean, I wish I didn’t feel that way but I do. He’s always been emotionally unavailable so talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. Why I do this I’ve not a clue, I PUSH EVERYONE WHO CARES ABOUT ME OUT OF MY LIFE, and I wonder why I’m so lonely….I haven’t anyone to talk to, my dear sweet older brother has Autism, my older sister is a fuc—g abusive drunk. (I don’t know who was more abusive her or my mother, I guess her cause she still treats me as though I were a piece of shit, deserving of her abuse. I had to install an alarm system on my ” house” bcuz of her threats of death. My father has Alzheimer’s and he was my rock, he still is in a weird way. His health declining rapidly is gut wrenching and the day he doesn’t rmbr me is the day I WILL DIE. He wasn’t perfect, but he cared, he listened and never judged. My dad always knew what to say, how to be a parent like, not perfect, abusive but for some strange reason I always forgave him. My emotionally, verbally, physically abusive mother died wen I was 28. The abuse started wen I was soooo young. I don’t have much memory of my childhood but the bits I do rmbr suck. She’d have me awake, dancing w her at all hrs of the morning memories of the latter as early as grade 1…it got worse. She’d slap me in front of my friends, belittle me at any time she could, as I stood wide eyed, tearing up, wishing the floor wud open up and swallow me, this was my childhood and my life until she died. The last words she uttered to me were, “you’re the devils spawn” how am I ever to get over those words, from my flesh and blood? I can’t, haven’t and won’t. As I ramble on, bk to my dad, she threw him out wen I was 11. In hindsight, I should’ve left with him, but never knew I could. She had such a tight reign on me, I loathed her. Now that my dad needs me, I can’t be there for him. I don’t leave my house, going through another episode of agoraphobia, debilitating. Everyday a piece of me dies. I wish I were happy, could smile and feel that smile instead of the dread and despair. Can I PLEASE get a hug. I long for human touch…

Back to today, barely existing, walking on eggshells feeling the lowest I’ve felt in my entire life, pretending to be ok. I’m lonely, OMG IM SO VERY LONELY whether it be by my own hand/will, I am so damn lonely that the thought of going through one more hour, minute sickens me. I want to be free of this nightmare that won’t go away, how much longer I can endure this life remains to be seen. Biggest fear, screwing it up again and living worse off than I feel I am now. If there’s no such thing as a perfect crime then there’s no such thing as a perfect self inflicted exit, or is there?

I, I, I, that word urg but I am sorry. I’ve wanted to be done with this hell on earth for years, I’m too afraid to try again and NOT succeed. I lay in bed all day, everyday hating life, wondering why I’m still here, not sleeping at night and thinking so much that my head feels like it’s going to explode… I’ve become someone I don’t know or like, if I weren’t here, no one would notice…I just don’t care anymore… And I need a hug so badly it hurts.

I don’t know how much of my rant makes sense, it’s all over the place which is indicative of where my heads at. Thanks for reading, sorry for the overwhelming use of “I”, don’t much expect a response, don’t really need one, just needed to vent. <3