Idk what it is but I’m depressed again like I was last year, only this time I think it’s worse. I do pretty well all other months but right after that second week of february hits so do the feelings. I feel such sadness, disappointment, loneliness, and confusion and it literally sucks the life from me.
Not a single person knows this about me but I need sex to keep me sane otherwise my whole world crumbles. I’m not an addict I don’t have sex with anyone nor do I necessarily do it all the time. I’ve only been with 2 people one I was dating for 10 years and the other I’ve known for 2 years. The second guy we don’t have a relationship we just have sex. The entire time he does things and says things that play on my conscious. He holds my hand, cuddles me, talks to me (now more so than ever and about more personal things), says I’m pretty and or beautiful. I never asked him to do those things there is no reason for him to we aren’t together we just have sex. When he says and does things like that it makes me feel guilty and I’ve asked him about it and if he wants more. I have now asked him twice if he wanted and some how the conversation turns around and I end up getting rejected when I haven’t even asked him to date me. Honestly it’s probably one of the worst feelings to be rejected and I wasn’t even going there!!! I feel like shit because I don’t know if I could truly be with him aside from sex and he does all these little weird things that seem like more. I want to make sure he doesn’t want anything so that I don’t feel like such a monster for using him for sex. Sex is the only way that I have ever truly felt wanted and without it I feel such desolation. I’m so fucked up and I don’t know why I can’t be normal. Sex is the one thing that makes me feel wanted and its the same thing that makes me feel like that’s all anyone will ever want from me. What good is it to be wanted if it’s only for sex? When I ask myself this question my world starts to collapse because the answer is it isn’t good. I’ve thought about cutting again but I don’t see a point unless my aim is to cut open some veins. Suicide has been creeping into my mind more lately because I feel like my life is a facade.
1 comment
I feel you about February. The same happens to me every year. There’s nothing wrong with feeling that sex helps to ground you. The action itself can take many forms. For sure don’t feel like a monster and feeling like are “using” the second guy talking about for moments of intimacy. All people are confusing, maybe at times he does want to be in a relationship, or something more than what you 2 are accustomed to, other times maybe is fine with where things are now. The fact there’s there’s been something between you two for 2 years suggests there’s some form of bond/connection. I don’t know, I don’t really have anything to say I guess to really help clear things up for you. But it’s nice to have someone, even if it may be confusing. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you.