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The Process of Dying/Ramblings

by Mark_1981

I don’t know if it’s just me or not. I like the idea of eternal peace and tranquility, or death to simplify things. I think of dying everyday (literally) but the actual process of dying sickens me. To think of my bodily functions shutting down, my thoughts and consciencenous disappearing; the step back into the eternal calm of non-existance. To me the process of shutting down, as I said, sickens me but I also know that it is something that we all must experience eventually (which begs the question of why we are borne only to die but I digress).

I don’t think I’m alone on this but I still wanted to throw it out there.

On a sidenote, I’ve started seeing a psychotherapist named John, different from the counsellor who I sat with for some time. John is 100% blind which is an experience. I do hang on to life by mere threads. He said a very insightful thing to which sort of shocked me: That suicide is a normal and natural component to life. He made it very clear that he doesn’t condone or encourage it but he also has learnt to understand it better.

I have reasonably lost my short-term memory retention. It isn’t something that happened overnight, it has been a steady progression for some time. My long-term is reasonably intact though my long-term is almost like me remembering a dream, like much of my memories were that, a dream. My “present” is one of fakeness, nothing feels real. I go outside, I’m in a dream of surrealness; I float with no connection to my surroundings. People I interact with are “things” that I interact with that “float” into my immediate awareness and just as easily “float out” as they are rapidly forgotten and my interaction being dreamlike. Perhaps on the same lines of short-term memory I have noticed that I am starting to mispell words that I usually wouldn’t have had problems spelling prior (3+ years ago). I have explained that if I happened to collapse in a snowbank here I would barely have the mental focus and determination to get up; it is minus 20 celcius here.

Circling back to where I began, I think about death every day. Every day. Almost every waking minute. I function on a very low level to a point of no function and yes, I have trouble taking care of myself. I was asked a long time ago about hope and as it relates to me. I’m not convinced that I have hope. I have been through mental turmoil for a very long time (20+ years). I’ve through enough, my years of youthful innocence gone and were stolen by my mother (and father) growing up in isolation and in a cult-like environment, an environment that keeps getting reaffirmed as such by every therapist that I open up to. My most recent therapist was quick to pick up that I was struggling from the mental and psychological damage done and not me complaining or angry over my ordeal. –1st 16 years of my life in virtual isolation under religious doctrine can really fuck a person up. –components of brainwashing…. yes, brainwashing being confirmed. A very warped understanding of the world, one of lies and given the isolation not having the chance to discover otherwise. I struggled when I was thrust into the mainstream world at 18 as the world simply didn’t work as I was taught or experienced….. Explaining my experiences from my 18+ isn’t possible. I apparently need reprogramming which I should have sought out earlier but didn’t know. I fail to see the point given that my mental health is erroding abd given further that we just fucking die anyhow…

I can honestly say that I have a first hand account of one’s slipping into insanity. The catch however is that I am aware of it which perhaps voids the whole insanity theory. Regardless, I don’t have much mental strength anymore and aside from the notion that this “life” is the only one I get (and the understanding of this) there is no way to erase my past; there is no way to erase the environment which I was raised; there is no way to write things differently.

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