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Thinking thoughts

by Moneypenny

Hey Wiskered-fish how are things going with your meds and the extra energy discovery?

Hey ToTrees, I shouldn’t say this because you erased your post but: Hey that’s really bad, the headache thing. Hope you may sleep a little more maybe? Or would it be better a short walk?
You know what’s been killing me this last days? Freetime… I gave it all to get some freetime and it exploted on my face.
Maybe you can become an inventor (I am rambling here) and design a device to keep racoons away hahaha.
Enjoy your cofee

 

Hey Ylem I am crossing my fingers everything everything goes right with your exam today

 

Hey Dyinginny haven’t seen you posting this last few days, hope you are doing fine

Hey Alan I hope to know what will happen with 3s… maybe you can write more, about what ever.

Hey Cordless, do complain sometime, you are funny and a very curious and intelligent woman, thank you.

I wish I could comment about you all people, but I have a memory that sucks. This were just some comments I had pending

I was thinking I can change, today is going to be a good day. I’ll work on the things I can, and I’ll stop feeling bad.

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31 comments

Alan Ominous 2/16/2016 - 11:04 am

MP, what a thoughtful post. I do have part 3 started in my writing app, it’s just getting though some shit first so I can concentrate.

Moneypenny 2/16/2016 - 3:07 pm

Work shit? I have this idea of you being this rich executive that travels a lot and I even pictured you with dark hair and a tidy beard (as the fashion goes) allways wearing black suits and ties…

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/16/2016 - 3:47 pm

A venerable MIB out to defeat grey corporations everywhere.

Seriously though, the struggle continues doesn’t it?

Alan Ominous 2/16/2016 - 3:57 pm

Can I just adopt that identity? I’m a worker bee. Travel, yes, but not all its cracked up to be. I do have a beard, it’s probably a mess. I don’t look in mirrors.

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/16/2016 - 4:00 pm

Your superhero name could be DAFMIB. (depressed as fuck man in black (or beard))

Mike Rowedick 2/16/2016 - 6:04 pm

Isn’t it weird how we always get an imagine in our heads of what we think a person looks like simply from reading their posts and comments. The image I get in my head of all females here is that you are all beautiful women who wouldn’t give me the time of day in real life and would cross the road to avoid me. The image I get of all males here is that they are all far more handsome, strong,and masculine then me. This is just my life experiences coming back to haunt me. The voices in my head are telling me I am right though.

Not interested in life 2/16/2016 - 6:18 pm

Mike you’ve been through too much… prob don’t need me to say it though

dyinginny 2/16/2016 - 12:17 pm

Hey Moneypenny. Thanks for thinking of me. I’m currently suffering from med withdrawal. I feel nauseous and anxious all the time. I’m trying to stay strong. Still looking for a job, still lurking on SP reading everyone’s posts for support and comfort. I hope you succeed in having a good day. Me, I’m just trying not to puke. Hugs.

Moneypenny 2/16/2016 - 5:08 pm

I succeeded half way, did draw, didn’t do much more… that nauseous feeling was something to expect? Have you been able to eat?

ToTrees 2/16/2016 - 1:04 pm

I delete my post, to keep things simple. Too much connection implies responsibilities on us both, I had an MRI done about my headaches, And what they found was kinda of scary and with the release of knowing.

Behind my eyes and sinus cavity there is a Walnut size tumor? Well maybe a tumor from all the tests it’s not cancer. As it’s pressing underneath my frontal lobe and spider webbing up through my temporal lobe. They still are not sure. Many doctors have been looking at it it’s like a water sack.
Or empty space. They don’t know and won’t know unless they cut it open.
And to operate to remove it basically they would have to take my entire frontal lobe out and separate many sections of temporal lobe, then put the frontal back. The MRI, does not show if it’s attached or pressing on the Thalamus gland or Pituitary gland or if it goes through the spinal connection (cord).
My first suicide attempt,
In 1979. I crashed my bike into a moving car. I cracked my skull in that accident. One of the doctors believes it’s scar tissue. That has caused a ganglion cyst to grow. And wants to drain it just to see what happens. Fuck that’s scary. But if they drain it it will leave an open space for infection to get in.
So basically this could get worse and worse and worse and worse the next month or so. Or I could pass out right now and never wake up. Or if it’s a cyst it could just heal itself.

I have really had a lot to think about.. And I don’t need any of this to be someone else’s pain. It has changed so much this last two weeks. All the dynamics of my family and my children, are yet to be announced.

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/16/2016 - 2:00 pm

Gosh Totrees, I will be thinking of you a lot this week. Please update us as you get more information. This is first and foremost a support group for all people who find themselves here. Which includes but is not limited to things like:

I want to kill myself
I want to cut myself
I have a walnut sized tumor pressing on my frontal lobe (that would be you)
I feel like I’m going to explode mentally
I accidentally wet myself sneezing yesterday (that would be me)
I just want to feel like someone in this universe not only cares, but understands all of the above and more (that would be all of us).

Editing is not necessary.

ToTrees 2/16/2016 - 2:51 pm

Gaawwd I hate that, I get to finally see a urologists about my being 50 and male, on 3rd March. Besides from the retention and slow going. Sometimes just a little dribbles out, only at the grocery store or other public venues’

Being weaned off all the ssri is not helping me deal well. + I got sloppy drunk the other night and realize I want to stay that way, I’m fighting that every moment, Plus (no names) my wife is falling apart, this is tearing Her sanity, she has doubled her drinking and last night she was hiding that she was. Crying,
I don’t know what support will do to help anything. This could be a long road of sadness for all I touch. If a agree to the procedure’s its only relief for me. (gone or healing).
It’s testing me

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/16/2016 - 5:38 pm

Three kids, the last one after I turned 40 and early menopause and I might as well have a catheter some days. It has gotten better lately though. Not sure why because I’m not doing anything special. Like Kegals or shit like that. I mean really, kegals? They make me feel really weird. This is a totally inappropriate thing to talk about too.

So as for the sadness, I will leave you with this.

Share sadness and it is divided among all, making it light to bear for us all, yourself included. Share happiness and it adds strength to the entire group, allowing us to shoulder more sadness. What you, and by extension, your family is going through is really hard. Like life changing hard for your entire family. You can’t expect to be an island without a boat to fish from. You can be an island, but you still need a boat. Use SP as the boat.

Moneypenny 2/16/2016 - 2:53 pm

Hey ToTrees…, I am sorry I touched such a hard theme, but I appreciate that you shared it in sp… air your feelings and thoughts… specially your thoughts now that your head may be spinning round…
It does sound terrifying… what is going on in your head? Do you feel comfortable with the person your doctor is? Do you feel you can trust what the told you? Is just waiting an option for you? To live without knowing?
I don’t mean to be rude here… but… you can talk about the things you want… I won’t say nothing if you don’t want me to… but we care

ToTrees 2/16/2016 - 3:08 pm

I have mentioned it but not in spotlight. Twix really touched my perceptions of how I affect others. So I’m just sitting here eating beef jerky…. I’m OK

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/16/2016 - 3:44 pm

@totrees: eat beef jerky and share. I know you multi-task well.

ToTrees 2/16/2016 - 6:07 pm

Well I’ve been trying to post a pic of my yummy jerky for you HDS, but my laptop broke grrr (Right)!!!!

Keyboard + touchpad driver, gotta wait fer the boot key, ( on my lovely wife’s key chain so it wont get lost). To reinstall,

I stepped off my deck and tripped over that dam concrete chicken and thoughts of you Hazy..

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/16/2016 - 6:13 pm

@totrees; the chicken is deeply insulted you tripped over it. Chickens are like that. I found a cache of 8 eggs behind a piece of board in my front yard. Apparently one of the chickens was hopping the fence, depositing said egg behind the board and hopping back over the fence while the other chicken was depositing eggs in the appropriate chicken egg receptacle in their chicken house as a decoy. Nothing to see here dear chicken owner…walk away.

Anyway keep posting about your feelings. Venting is a much needed thing in life, and research has proven over and over again that people heal physical injury (aka operations on your frontal lobe) better when they are not in pain, regardless if that pain is mental or physical. Just saying.

whiskered-fish 2/16/2016 - 1:56 pm

Hey, MP. I think I’m doing very well. Yesterday and the day before were roller coasters of emotion…mostly anxiety and self-loathing. But to be honest, I’m kinda glad for them. Because I think about it like this:

My five years of depression have been kind of like a road trip, over bumps and ravines and twists and straights and slow roads and fast roads. After five years of driving, I finally ran out of gas in a numb, barren desert. So now, I’m on new medicine that’s gonna tow me back home. That means I’m gonna hafta go over the bumps and ravines again, and retrace the roads I’ve already driven on, but at least I have the comfort of knowing that this time, I’m headed in the other direction.

I hope that makes sense.

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/16/2016 - 2:01 pm

Fantastic metaphor. I like the idea of being towed home.

Moneypenny 2/16/2016 - 5:12 pm

It does make sense, and I feel you are being calm and seren, which I think is amazing, and mature (you’ll have to teach me)
Hugs

Cordless 2/16/2016 - 4:03 pm

Thank you for remembering me, and for the kindness.

I promise I will complain sometime.

I guess I hold back from griping because I don’t want you guys to dread seeing my posts… I don’t want you to think “Aw, crap, there’s that disabled chick again who can barely walk, with the canes and the leg braces and the wheelchair/walker and the migraines and the poverty and the eating disorder and the social anxiety and [insert additional problems here].

I’d rather be remembered as someone fun and pleasant who helped people feel welcome, even if on the inside I would rather curl up and disappear.

But don’t worry, I have my dark days too, and I promise the time will come when I’ll post about the ugly side. All I can say is, when that time happens, please try to like me anyway.

Here, I’ll meet you halfway– instead of outright complaining, I will just say that I almost gave up posting altogether after reading the comment rocketman left on the very first post I ever did. I tried answering in a calm diplomatic way, but it still hurt. It’s strange because he doesn’t seem to be that mean to anyone else here.

suicideproject.org/2016/01/because-when-your-eyes-are-closed-at-least-you-can-dream-someone-else-is-there/

(Does that count as complaining? It’s the best I can do today. I’m still kind of in a numb shock about Twix. I have to go to symphony rehearsal in a few hours and am not sure I will be able to play all that well today.)

Moneypenny 2/16/2016 - 5:16 pm

We will still like you even if you post as much as I do… and yes… my respect to your duel, I met Twix yesterday but I have been wondering and thinking about that whole situation all day…
I would like to listen to you playing some day…

Cordless 2/17/2016 - 12:18 am

Thank you!
I play french horn in the symphony.
It’s one of my favorite instruments.

Hazy Day Sunflower 2/16/2016 - 5:32 pm

Hey Cordless: I enjoy reading all your things. I also get a kick out of your avatar pic. It changes just a tiny bit constantly, and if a person isn’t paying attention, they may miss it. It fits you nicely.

I don’t have much to add about last night. You are an important person here, in my opinion, even if you are fairly new. You add a dimension to life that I rarely get to see. When I’m feeling sorry as fuck for myself I look at your avatar and think to myself “HDS, get over yourself, cordless can’t even get out of bed today, she is stuck eating beef jerky and drinking warm Shasta because it hurts too much to get up and make something and SHE is still being supportive.” Then I typically snap out of it and go out and do some good in the world.

Cordless 2/16/2016 - 11:34 pm

Aww. Thank you.
I finished all my jerky last night, and now all I have left are some crackers and fruit snacks. So I will HAVE to get up and go shopping soon. Maybe tomorrow. Or… the day after that.

I wondered if anyone would notice the slight change in avatar pic.
The reason it fits me so well is because it IS me. 😮
Long hair, nerd glasses and all. 🙂

Not interested in life 2/16/2016 - 6:16 pm

Hi Cordless, not a complainer… Its just things we share isn’t it. I realize you don’t want to be disabled etc. I remember not to see intelligent people in that light. We must keep going forward, slowly, slowly… Its not like you are going to magically find a reason to keep living, but it may be the little things here and there, compounding…

Mmmhmm I appreciate all kinds of honesty even if dark… Life is certainly not rose coloured glasses. I mean by people may have something to hold onto, even if insignificant to others, to hold on to.

while around finding some meaning or reason to live… I never believe in trying to fit this mould..i cant anyway. Here is SP a better society 😀

its nice to have your company 🙂

Cordless 2/16/2016 - 11:39 pm

If I ever need to look through rose-colored glasses, I’ll buy some goblets and fill them with red wine. 😉

Thank you for welcoming me.

Not interested in life 2/16/2016 - 6:09 pm

Hello moneypenny, uh what to write… Thanks for thinking of us 🙂 hope your day is good. If not, then don’t fret, mine isn’t good either like usual…

Ylem31 2/16/2016 - 11:55 pm

Hey MP. This is very thoughtful of you. Thank you for thinking of us. I didn’t write my exam. I was a mess. I spoke with the doctor who was going to do my exam and he postponed it to next week. I hope I’ll be okay by then. The meds aren’t really doing anything. But then again, it’s still too soon to tell. At least I managed to sleep last night.

TheValiant 2/17/2016 - 12:20 am

To everyone, I guess: Don’t feel bad about needing to vent. About WHATEVER. Hell, that’s even me telling myself that wasn’t a useless post. I’ve seen plenty of beauty from everyone’s own ways. I don’t think I’m alone in that.

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