First off, I refer to counselors and “Rent-A-Friends”. Someone you pay to pretend to give a shit about you for an hour a week.
The first time I went I was 17, they flat out told me on the 1st visit I was too fucked up for their credentials. This was followed by various suicide attempts. All of which, I feel I sabotaged myself by making reach outs, or just poor planning, or pure coincidence such as a time I OD’d.
Most of my teens and adult life were plagued with severe drug and alcohol abuse.
At the time of meeting my wife, I was heavily into the occult, while she is/was a “Jesus Freak”. I was just out of the ward. So, somehow I suppose I drew her into my dark mysterious mind. Her under the presumption she could help with the power of Jesus. I played along. It’s bullshit. This led to my complete seclusion. No association with “evil doers” no “heathen music” no grotesque or vulgar television. For awhile things smoothed out. I’m clean, sober, decent job etc. But I won’t let go of my I dunno, heathenism? So there’s a huge conflict.
Then my dad died. Something I can’t process. I can’t cope. My employer paid for a grief counselor, again I was abandoned. He didn’t say I was too fucked, he just avoids me.
So, my wife wants me to give up. To Jesus. Where the shoes that don’t fit until they’re comfortable. I can’t do that. I’m not willing. I know nobody can help me unless I help myself. I don’t want to. I just want to close my eyes.
In other news, good read here.