“Are you OK?”
I get asked it often, nowadays:
During lunch, sitting alone in an empty hallway, my face in my hands. Well, what is the answer?
I’ve come to realize that though I strongly DISLIKE getting asked the question, I know that the people who take their time to inquire about my feelings/ well-being are the nicest, kindest people- even if they genuinely don’t care, they still ask. And their asking helps me remember where I am and to keep up with the world without crashing down.
But I can’t help but get saddened and hurt when they ask me.
“Am I OK?… I’m not. I’m sad. I’m more than sad. I am sad to a point where it cripples me. I am even sadder that you took your time to ask about how I’m doing and yet theres nothing you can do about it. I’m sorry you asked.”
I sincerely feel guilt when people stop to ask. It makes me realize all the little things: how happy others are, and how I am not. How people care to ask, but they can’t do anything. How I’m just a problem.
Yet simply saying, “I am OK. I am fine,” just doesn’t work. In fact, it makes the situation worse. I feel like breaking down if I try to prove how falsely happy I am.
I can’t continuously, unceasingly prove my false happiness. I am not happy; this is me.
So how can I possible respond to that 3 worded question? Its the most difficult answer ever.
I know that nobody cares; that nobody wants to hear about my overwhelming sadness. But I can’t simply state I’m fine. So I merely shake my head and say, ‘I don’t know..” and when they persists and ask once more, “are you OK?” I repeat the same actions and eventually say, “Yes…” at the end.
Some people stick around and say, “are you sure?” two times before leaving me alone. But what more can I say?
I don’t know the answer to the most common question in this world.
I am not OK; but I guess I just have to be.
9 comments
Ahhhh…. It’s my pet peeve question -“Are you OK?”
The ultimate answer to the question is….. A QUESTION!
For people who aren’t ‘OK’, it’s the worst question, especially coming from people who don’t really care.
I am so weary of Plastic Platitudes – – robotic, society-acceptable, warm and fuzzy questions and answers.
Someone asks me “Are you OK?”
I pause, look at their eyes, and ask them “Do you think I’m OK?”
Most don’t continue the conversation at that point, which is a good way to weed out those who don’t really care. They’ll feel so uncomfortable that they’ll make every effort to avoid me in the future. That’s a good thing for me. I don’t want to keep being confronted by anyone who doesn’t care.
If the person responds, the dialogue usually deteriorates, because I can tell that they’re looking for the nearest exit.
Example:
Are you OK?”
“Do you think I’m OK?”
“Well I’ve been wondering about you and how you’ve been doing.”
“With all that you know about me, how do you think I’ve been doing?”
“I wish you the best and I hope that everything is now better for you.”
“You hope everything is better for me, but do you actually think everything is better for me?”
I continue the questions until the person responds in one of two ways:
1) “So sorry but I gotta go now”. <<< [Typical response]
2) Tell me what you’re struggling with so that I can be your shoulder to cry on. <<< [Doesn’t happen]
Hmm, I usually respond with a sarcastic toned “just peachy” usually the end of it. In fact now that I’m thinking of it, nobody even acknowledges the sarcasm
Wow . These were interesting to read. I wonder, though, is there an answer that doesn’t make the situation seem awkward, that doesn’t come out as rude?
People know me for being shy, kind and quiet. But not sad. I am, however, very troubled. I don’t want to give them a hard time if they asked me themselves.
Oh OK. I’m not shy, kind and quiet (like you), but if I had those traits, I’d likely just play along with the Plastic Platitudes.
I want to give people a ‘hard time’ if they are just going through the motions of being kind and friendly. I don’t want pretense from anyone, especially if it makes them appear to be caring when they don’t *really* care.
If people want to know me, it’s the REAL me; not a FAKE version of me.
If someone asks me if I’m OK, I want them to truly care when I give them an authentic response.
There probably isn’t a way to avoid awkwardness or seeming rude.
I like this quote by Fran Lebowitz: “Polite conversation is rarely either.”
I keep my poker face in public. There is no point showing people what kind of shape I’m in. Truthfully, what are they going to do? I hate people knowing I’m in bad shape. It isn’t any of their damn business.
Me too.
You could maybe just say ‘I’ve felt better….’ or something like that.