So, to my new found friends, supporters, here’s a run down of news, thoughts, etc.
First off, I told the one family member I trust my plans for leaving in detail. I assured them it wasn’t a cry for help, a threat, or an attempt to guilt trip. That I was only sharing so it wouldn’t be a total shock. Overall it was received well. A wish I wouldn’t but complete understanding
I’m on the fence about my guitar amp. To replace or not. Kind of pointless if I kill myself. Then again, I could always add to the debt I leave behind. I’m excited to go amp shopping. But excitement brings hope, a thought of the future. That pisses me off. So yeah total wreck.
Another idea floating is to piss into the wind and get a divorce. I still would have alot of my struggles, but the big harsh one would subside. Then I think of the loneliness. I think about how sad some of you are… I question if it’s worth it? Of course I could bounce back into a relationship…. Maybe? There’s that fucking hope again. If I did try, they’d have to be just as fucked up as me, in similar ways, to even remotely click. So good odds of a train wreck there. So why bother? Shut your damn mouth hope…..
16 comments
Sort of been in some of those debacles (except for the divorce… i did wonder about a long relationship breakup a bit for a while tho), and… well, let’s see. First… i’d say that if it was taken well that’s amazing. Like you say, don’t expect full understanding, you know the obvious reasons why… no loved one wants to see you gone. So expect some attempts at making you come to your senses eventually, from the person you confessed to. Not that it’s definitely going to happen, but it might.
Not that pointless if you do it in a well thought out way. Are you going to hang on for long enough as to use that amp? are you going to miss playing in the meantime? are you possibly going to back out? think of all the factors. What you DON’T want is to just shop something expensive and amazing that you won’t be able to pay, just because you’ll die and you won’t have to… been there, done that, still paying. So if you do want one and you’re going to use it, get one that you can actually pay if you can continue living. Sort of related, a family member asked me last year why i spent so much money at a given period of time (it was before my set date)… my answer? “having debts to pay keeps me with a reason to live”. Stupid but sort of works for me, lol.
The loneliness is always hard. I spend most of my days alone, and i have my schedules upside down just because i hate being awake on daytime, makes me feel even lonelier. At night i know everyone’s sleeping so it sort of feels like a natural thing, and not that it’s against me… so yup, loneliness is a real, big problem. But i guess the question is: since loneliness can be experienced even when surrounded by people… would you feel even more alone than now, or would it be sort of the same? i’m asking because you don’t sound happy at all about your marriage and that might be a big reason why you’re in such a bad shape. Imho it’s worst to feel lone when with someone that being actually alone, but that’s just me.
Honestly tho? it’s all your choice in the end. And hey, there’s nothing wrong in having hope, that’s one of the last things we lose, regardless of it becoming almost invisible at some periods of time.
Well, I miss playing every minute I’m not. But with that pleasure gone, it makes suicide a bit more tangible.
My marriage does in fact suck. We’re both pretty fucked up, but not in a way we understand or relate to each other. I’m basically OK being alone. Except I’m not. If that makes sense.
Do you have kids? I remember discussing somebody’s kids with them on here, but I can’t remember whether it was you or somebody else.
Yup… Sure do.
At the risk of sounding like a “bad person” in my perspective, I can’t adequately parent if I’m not “OK”
Then maybe you should get that amp. I mean, anything that takes your mind out of suicide is a good thing, imho, even if it’s only partially. I’d just make sure to a) get an amp that can’t be wrecked (as in a small, headphone friendly one), and b) not get a top of the line one so you don’t make things worse by having an extra bill that brings more drama. If you end up divorcing tho? get the fucking biggest amp you can and go outside her house and “serenade her” with some death metal. Serves her right for not letting you play, lol.
Imho, it’s perfectly normal to not be an adequate parent if you’re not ok. That means you’re human, not a parental mean machine (no one is).
Right on. My cabinet is OK. Just need a head. Not sure I can convince myself to go solid state, hokey stuff. Kinda already got my eye on one
I think I would get divorced. I can always kill myself later if I don’t like being divorced. Nothing ventured nothing gained. But that is just me.
6 of 1 half dozen of the other know what I mean?
Not really.
Means it’s all equal the same. Stay or leave,I’m fucked and not in the fun way
Yes I know what six of one half dozen of another means. I disagree that you are fucked either way. You are only fucked if you chose to be fucked. You still have options.
Actions and consequences. I’ve yet figure a plan
I’ve been racking my brain for a long ass time. All I got is the following.
Option #1 I stay. The back and forth hostility continues, wounds get deeper. Kids suffer being raised in a war zone. We suffer.
Option #2 I leave. I devote myself to making sure the kids have the best possible. I’m going to probably be homeless. Just can’t support 2 homes.
Option #3 I leave. I put myself first. Kids have a drastic lifestyle change. End up questioning why I’m well off and their mom has a government apt.
Option #4 I end it. Fuck the consequences.
Option #5: you get divorced and make your wife get a job. Reality sucks. Not everyone can be a stay at home mom. She needs to chip in. Regardless of her personal beliefs on the matter.
i agree with haze day sunflower