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Some thoughts

by DarkTide

What is my name? Is it worth anything. Would this world really remember it. I want to cry. I havent properly cried in a long time. I feel useless. I am reminded of hoe stupid I am today. Whats wrong with me. Why is there so much despair. I feel so unloved. Feel so empty. Feel so worthless. Oh God I wish you were real. Maybe I should see if you are real ahead of schedule. I was a missionary for 2 years for you but I feel like this. Why? Is it because I am sinful? I know your son came for my sins. Why cant I feel him like my fellow missionary family.

Im so stupid. I have this speech impediment where I struggle to express myself. I am so messed up. Everyone thinks that. Otherwise why wouldnt they love me. Is it because im ugly? Is it because my education was wasted? Is it. Because I am poor. Is it more loving to never allow you to be born my children. Im only 21, you dont have to suffer in this lineage if I do it now. I may die a virgin but its okay. Your mother would be happy without me. Happily married to someone who can properly raise children.

You told me today I must find someone who can actually make me happy. You have been the only person in my life who can do that. You are what I held onto for so long. If I let go im gone. Maybe thats for the better. You would get over me. You would find someone who can challene you mentally. Someone worthy.

Where am I? I dont know. A place of beauty. A place that is my prison. I cant escape. Where would I go? Maybe to the ocean. The ocean would be nice. It has a purpose. Whats my purpose. To die I believe.

Humans are disgusting. I look on 9gag and am reminded how impathetic this world is. Sweet girls in person are vile in secret. You are an infection. You spread to others what corrupts this world. I caantbe part of it.

When was the last time I kissed someone? 2 years. Sorry to that girl. I vowed to only go or someone who makes me truly happy. I forgot to realise I can never make them truly happy.

The knife. Oh god the knife. The slit I made 2 days ago reminds me of it. You are calling for me knife. Or am I callong for you. Maybe I can try again. It probably wont work I am told. Wheres your friend sweet knife? Wheres the rope. I dont know either.

Racists everywhere. Why are we so sick to think race defines a person. You say we shouldnt mix because its against nature. Nature doesnt allow different species to mix. My cat and dog beg to differ, my dogs dont care if you have spots or are fat. If they are raised to hate them then they will. How can mixed relationships be unnatural? I am pale compared to you and you are also Caucasian.

Religion. Atheism. War. Aggression. Humans make me disgusted. Greed. Lust. Pride. Destruction. We say where is the humanity but humanity is just that.

Im different for my views. Im an enigma. I see the world for what it truly is. Maybe thats what has made me depressed.

I cry out for help!!! Some sort of sign that I am needed in this world. This world so desperately crying for change but dont want to do it themeselves. But secretely we dont want that change.

Am I a monster? I feel like one. Maybe I should end this. Nobody should love a sorry case like myself. Nobody ever will. Maybe thats why she doesnt want to see me. Because im not worth it.

Ugly, pathetic, moron, desperate.

Knife where are you? Maybe tomorrow. Maybe lightning shall strike. Send me back to when thimgs were good. When was that? I cant remember. Maybe when I first saw your smile. Yes thats it. If I could see that one last time. 3 years since I last saw it. Oh how that kept me going.

Wheres your smile. I removed it. Ho did I do that? I loved you. My love is toxic. It breaks the hearts of everyone I ever love. How could I hurt you. Im a monster. No better than my abusive dad. Its my blood.

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