A new wrinkle …

Many old timers here will be more familiar with the back story of Dawg … newer folks, feel free to peruse my past posts that date back to 2011.

The cliff notes:
I suffer from chronic back pain … make life difficult and saps my strength and will … often to the brink. And in years passed I was faced with homelessness through foreclosure … at which point I was confident I could implement my “Exit Strategy” and wash my hands of the whole mess. During this whole time … about the only reason I did not end my pain and cut short the inevitable march toward homelessness … was my commitment to and love for the 5 dog I had … and the Suicide Project, which I totally immersed myself in – largely because I know that as an older guy, I could impart knowledge and experience objectively to those who may have never had someone take the time to enlighten them. and so it went – work, pain, dogs, pain, SP, pain, SP, pain, work, pain, dogs pain etc. … not a bad grove for the final march. With a plan in place I felt reassured and confident that come time all would be well, a weight was lifted and I enjoyed my noble calling.

Fast forward to mid 2013 and I go out for a rare evening only to see an old friend’s new band project – yes, they were good 🙂

What I did not expect was that a wildly drunk girl would dump a drink on my designated driver/friend who accompanied me … the drunk girl profusely apologizes and rushes off to buy drinks to replace those spilled … while waiting my friend and I sit at a table with the drunk girl’s friend/designated driver … Who would or could know that woman would find a broke down loser like me interesting. We had much in common regarding animal advocacy. But more interesting than that was we both knew each other and had actually shared the same good friends although her and I had never formally met or said “hi” in passing – but I distinctly remember from all those years ago, those eyes that twinkled eternal hope and that smile as bright as a late spring day at high noon.  We had had maybe two or three indirect encounters over the course of about 20 years and although we were each intrigued about the other, we were never in a position at the time of those encounters to pursue anything.

This woman … at this time  was struggling with her own issues as I was … but we agreed that night to talk and maybe date. Long story short – we dated and became BF/GF. During this time, she knew I was facing foreclosure but, as I am wont to do, I played it off as if it was “nothing to worry about” but I kept her at a bit of a distance … or so I thought … because she had no clue what my true plan was should the time come to need to find a bridge to live under.

Finally the day came that my house sold at auction and I had 30 days to vacate … I dutifully told her about this, but reassured her, “Something would come up and work itself out” … “It always does”, I sad with a knowing confident smile. Well something did “come up” … she shockingly asked me to move to her house.

Here, I reside today with her snoring like Homer Simpson next to me (No, it does NOT bother me – I find it endearing 😛 )

Now, just for perspective … my pain is worse … and like all women, they make demands … nothing unreasonable for a reasonably healthy person … but difficult for me with my health issues – yet I bend over backwards to accommodate – hikes, fairs and lots of other physical activities … of course a healthy person can’t know truly what they are asking a physically damaged person to do and they can’t comprehend that each new event hastens the crippling … but I do them none the less … because love.

But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t days that I don’t seriously consider my planned exit – sometimes I honestly think I’d be doing her a favor by cutting her loose from the dead weight of the snagged anchor that in me and my deteriorating body. And I think about it very seriously – until recently …

Here’s the new wrinkle … my sibling recently informed me of their diagnosis for Lung Cancer. … of course my first thought is – “How did YOU get so lucky?!?” But sibling explains the it is their wish that I become guardian of sibling’s teen age child should the worst befall my sibling

SO with all my best laid plans … no matter how much I may craze to end my pain … I now have my dogs … and now my GF … but most of all, my promise to my sibling that I will be guardian until the teenager reaches the age of majority.

So I’ve signed myself up for a pretty guaranteed 4-5 more years of pain and misery as a slave to my damaged physical being. I’m none too pleased with that prospect … while at the same time I’m glad and honored that my sibling has me to carry on if it should come to that … But I’ll do it – it’s my responsibility(s) and an honor and privilege.

So there’s that … 😛

Original Geezer dawg