Everything about me is one big fat motherfucking LIE!
My smile…. Fake as Fuck.
My conversation with people… Lies
Conversation with my family… Lies
I’M DYING people! I’m really dying.
I secretly cry in my room, wipe away my tears and have supper with my family like nothing happened.
My frown immediately turns upside down if someone asks if I’m okay.
I’m tired. I’m tired of faking. I’m tired of crying in silence. I’m just tired of everything. I’m tired of life.
I don’t want to be here anymore. But I can’t go just yet. I keep saying this over and over again. I keep repeating myself over and over again. But it still doesn’t sink in. No matter how deep and intense the urge to kill myself is, I can’t. I can’t end it. For the people around me. For my family.
This makes me feel stuck and trapped in this life I don’t want to live. In this world I don’t want to be in. I will have to stick around, keep faking and lying for a decade or more, just to keep the people around me happy.
I really can’t do this anymore. The pain is too intense. The pain is too much for me to take.
I don’t feel alive. I don’t feel anything. I don’t even feel pain anymore.
What the fuck do I have to do to actually feel alive? What do I have to do to feel human? To feel like I belong in this world? Because seeing blood doesn’t cut it anymore.