I had to go to college today. I was in from 1 to 5. It was the same lesson for the entire four hours, so it wasn’t as stressful as when classes switch. I was stuck on a table with the whole class (it’s small, only 10 of us and all girls), so my anxiety and paranoia was almost unbearable.
After meeting with my personal tutor yesterday, I’m allowed to leave lessons whenever I need to for as long as I need to. I wanted to every minute of class, but my anxiety stopped me and so did the fact that I knew I would just leave altogether. We have a 15 minute break at 4, so I stayed in class to compose myself. Obviously it didn’t work.
The Angels slowly started to calm down at around 2:30, and there were only a handful yelling at me as opposed to too many to count. The shadow people kept coming back, and body parts on everyone kept changing. I managed to avoid embarrassing myself and didn’t grab for someone’s hair, even though it was made of beetles and worms.
After break everything got worse. A girl in my class is doing Angels and Demons for her work, and everyone started talking about them. Of course, the Angels flared up and became unbearable. I did no work and refused to talk or look at anyone. I almost had a panic attack, but my tutor said we were leaving 10 minutes early. I packed my stuff and literally ran down 7 floors (14 set of stairs, but surprisingly I wasn’t out of breath at the bottom).
Since getting home the Angels aren’t as bad, and there’s only a few still going on. The shadow people are still here, and the other voices are coming back again, but I’m coping with this right now. My evening is turning out the same as my morning – not many voices and figures, gradually getting worse.
Basically my entire day has been horrible, and I have to repeat it as I have to go in tomorrow. Great. On the plus side: I got my braces off this morning.
5 comments
Yaaa college! Noooooooooooooo paranoia. Sounds like you are roughing it out though.
I didn’t want to go back at all, but I told my personal tutor I would. He said he’ll speak to me every so often to make sure I’m okay – my mum told him about everything, so he probably thinks I’m a freak like others do. Oh well.
I’m dreading going back tomorrow, it was bad enough today. Though, tomorrow is only 2 hours and the class should be more spaced out around the three tables instead of one.
Congrats for being there and able to handle it for five hours. I can’t talk about the Angels because it’s beyond me.
I admire your work and hope you can get to learn something from the whole college experience even if it’s this hard for you.
Good thing you got your braces of.
Courage tomorrow.
I really don’t want to go in tomorrow, if I’m honest. It stresses me out so much. i cant wait to leave. By having the added stress from all the work, it’s making everything harder to cope with.
Since getting the brace off, I got a fixed retainer. Problem is, I can’t close my mouth all the way because she screwed it up. Fun.
Jiminy, same advice I once told someone else here before. Don’t over stress with the extra work, not worth it. And ok, so they say you have to go, but no body says you have to care for the others, nor have to focus on anything you don’t want to. Reduce the stress, thats the goal. I will risk an irresponsible comment here: they can have your body but they can’t rule your mind.