Been Awhile

I feel kind of embarrassed for coming back here. It’s been at least two or three months since I wrote anything or even read other’s thoughts. I thought I was feeling better and didn’t need to come back here and I was going to delete this account and act as if I never belonged here. I’m glad I didn’t delete it. For the past few months things have been going fine. I finished a few online classes and been more social. Thing is, I still feel lonely. In the beginning of March my grade went on a trip and I bunked with three other friends. We talked and gossip like normal teens. Then one of them told me it was my turn to rant about my life and tell my so-called deep secrets. I told them I’d pass because I don’t trust them enough. Also it’s hard and they said it’s fine but I felt like I lost them after that. Yes, they are my friends but it’s hard to tell anyone personally what I go through and how I feel since in the first place I don’t even know how I feel about things. Anyways, this morning I had the house to myself and I went into my parents room looking for something but I found something else. My mom’s diary. I know it was wrong to open it. It was never my place to read it. I couldn’t help myself. I thought it couldn’t be that bad, because what could be so dark in my mom’s life? Turns out, she had a few secrets. There wasn’t many entries just a small handful when she meet my dad for the first time and when they married, how she missed her first two daughters from a previous marriage, the how she was pregnant with me. Then I read a entry about how my dad cheated and how he lied to her about it. I knew my parents has have rough patches and has had a marriage counselor because I found a business card and book in my car trunk once, they still have never told me about. Still I didn’t know he has done this before, before I was even born. It hurt. I never thought my dad would be that person. I never thought my mom felt this way and how she hates herself for the things she has gone through. I’ve told one friend how my parents have had counseling but I feel like I can’t talk to her anymore, she isn’t as close to me anymore. So I decided I would come back here and try and get these feelings out of me again. I read the last few entries of the diary and my mom said how she was happy about being pregnant with me and I started crying even more. Now my mom doesn’t tell me how she loves me and shows affection. But when she wrote it out I felt so many different emotions. Happy that she really does love me but then sad and angry how she doesn’t tell me it anymore because I feel like I need someone to really tell me that they care about me, so that I know I can still be here and have some meaning. The worst part was the last few words. It stated, I still love my husband and my beautiful daughter. I don’t know how long I have been crying now probably thirty minutes. I don’t know if I can ever look at my dad the same now. I don’t know what I feel about my parents now. Or even how I feel about myself. My mom’s life would be completely different if she never had me, of course. But what scares me, I guess, is that would she better happier if she never had me or meet my dad.

So thanks to anyone who spent their time reading this. I guess I kind of missed being on here to be honest. Everyone goes through things, they’re never the same but we all cope in some way or another and I know people here are kind and honest. I like that. I like it here. I think I’ll be back more often since I feel like it helps to talk to someone, anyone.

–