Being brutally honest.

So, one thing that pissed off my (ex boy) friend that I still have feelings for… I’m never honest. Of course for some reason he always knows exactly how I feel. He knew that I was crying, he knew I was panicking, he knew when I was lying. That made getting away with saying “I’m okay” and “it’s okay” religiously when I was at my worst a nightmare. I’m not used to being honest with people in my life. I post my darker thoughts here and allow everyone in person to believe that I’m just great. Happy go lucky Brittany so confident and full of life…

I wish she was real. For the sake of not only myself but everyone around me. God she’d be such a better person to have around…

So I’ma be brutally honest, even if it’s just here… it’s a start.

I fucking hate my guts. I hate my face, I hate my body, I hate every physical aspect of me… I hate that I overthink everything and ruin it, and that I’m clingy and get overly attached to people. I’m not as fine as I seem. Last night I only got an hour and a half of sleep between anxiety attacks and that’s only because when my body gave out I didn’t have the will to open my eyes again. I hate every god damn smile I’ve had to force, every time I had to tell people I was fine because I didn’t want to hurt them. I hate that I can’t even feel happy anymore without feeling guilty about it because I don’t deserve it. I’m a really shitty person, I really am.

Most of all right now I hate myself for not being good enough. I hate that I’m hurt because he finally realized that… but then again, I’m also happy he did…