So today I found out that my older sister always talks badly about me when I’m gone because I spend money on my horses and sometimes when I have extra money I buy myself something I like. She constantly complains about me living at home (I just turned 20 and she’s 25 and living at home) and says if I would stop spending my money on my horses and others things I could save to move out. First of all, most of my money goes to paying off the college I went to, which she had to do for dropping out and she’s only just now going back to school. And secondly, yeah, you can save up for the first month’s rent on an apartment, and for the deposit, but if you don’t have a good enough paying job to afford it then you’re screwing yourself over because you have to pay for apartment’s on a monthly basis.
She also says that my dad pays for everything for me because one time two months ago my car was being worked and I couldn’t go to the store and I asked my dad to drive me and he paid for my 97 cent bottle of lotion while we were there. My dad doesn’t pay for anything of mine. She has two kids and she got pregnant at 16 and that’s why it’s okay for her to live at home. She is just jealous of me because I didn’t have kids before I was ready and so I have extra money sometimes. My horses are the only thing that make me happy at this point so of course I spend money on them, they’re all I have in the world.
For a while I was living on my own, though I wasn’t paying off college debt at the time, but I needed to have extra money to pay my school so I could go to school and get a better job. Also, I was so miserable and depressed that I was constantly trying to kill myself and I was drinking constantly, I had stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. So apparently my sister was so pissed off when she heard I was moving home and threw a huge fit and told my dad not to let me move back. I honestly didn’t want to move back, but I didn’t have a choice because I knew if I didn’t move back I would have killed myself. I know 100% if I didn’t I would already be dead. But this is exactly why I didn’t want to move back.
I already hate myself, I already feel like a loser and failure for living at home and not being able to go to school. I feel so horrible every single day and every time I start to feel better or try to take a step in the right direction everyone in my family makes me feel so shitty. I thought I was making progress because I took a step to get better by moving home, I work with my horses and they make me feel somewhat better. I’m trying to handle the bad bits while doing what I can to make myself happy and to me that’s progress. I know everyone in family hates me and they never understand my depression, but I swear all they ever do is talk about what a failure I am.