I read almost every post on SP but I rarely ever post. I take comfort in all of your words and witty banter. I feel like a stalker, lol. Thank you guys, for what it’s worth. I guess I just need to vent today because I feel so lost and alone. I have suffered with suicidal ideation on and off for most of my life. Came close twice but failed. I’m 40 now. No husband, no children, no boyfriend, no job. In January I was laid off and I decided to be strong and try to make big changes in my life and the depression and suicidal thoughts went away but it’s been an uphill battle and I don’t know how much more of a beating I can take. I quit all my meds (abilify, lithium, seroquel) because I was a zombie and the lithium gave me tremors (very bad in my line of work). Also I used to take great comfort in writing but couldn’t do it on the meds. Anyway, since quitting my meds I’m nauseous a lot and suffer from anxiety. I am trying to start a new career but I keep blowing it at interviews due to feeling sick and anxious. I took a Xanax today which is the only reason I am even able to write this. I have two big interviews next week and I’m praying I don’t fuck up. I really need a job. I used to want to kill myself because I felt like a failure for not marrying and having kids, and I felt like I had no reason to go on living. Also afraid of growing old alone with no 401k etc. I relate to everyone on here because I’ve been through too much to write here. Now I want to die to keep from being homeless. I know I am rambling. Sorry for that. Even if no one reads this at least I got it off my chest. To anyone reading, thanks for listening to my boring ramble.
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Sorry to hear that u seem to be going though a lot but we are all here if u would like to talk
Thanks. It’s comforting just to get my frustrations out there and have someone understand. Real life is so lonely when you suffer from mental illness because there’s no one who can relate.
I can relate to the going off the meds thing, as well as to feel alone and a bit f***ed in life.
What I will say is that I have experienced just how long it takes to adapt to living without medication, and it’s much longer than I expected. I still feel like my whole perspective of the world is shifting on its axis. And I started tapering off two years ago and took my last meds a year ago.
I have felt hopeless many times along the way, like “who am I kidding, I can’t do this, something is inherently wrong with me, I should go back on the meds”.
But I think maybe that resistance is important, because it teaches you to get by in life, regardless of who you are as a person, or rather: by virtue of who you really are as a person.
Yes, I could be a “functioning” person on medication, but it would be someone I don’t recognize, someone who lies a lot and doesn’t value social connection.
Or I can be a sensitive person off medication, but someone who has some strengths regardless, and someone who actually feels a stab of the old fondness for other people once in a while.
Hugs
Thanks so much for comments muspelhem. I feel better knowing that someone else has survived med withdrawal. You captured my feelings exactly. I never felt like myself on meds and I was tired of living a lie. What good is living if you can’t feel anything? I rather be my fucked up self than a pharmaceutical zombie.
They’re your sincere words, so how can it be boring? I can relate a lot to you. I’m 34 and can’t hold a stable relationship and haven’t had kids yet. And if it weren’t for my stay-at-home job, I’m not sure what I would do. You seem to be functioning as well as you can and that’s all anyone can ask from you. Just keep functioning as well as you can. <3<3<3
Thanks claritee. I guess that’s all anyone can do. Keep going and trying your best. You’re still young enough to have kids so keep the faith. My family has already accepted that I will remain alone and I guess so have I. I hope that things work out for you.
You’re still young enough to have kids, too, if you want and find love. Please don’t give up on that. If you want it you can have it. <3
Thanks so much for sharing. I have the same worries as you do, and I feel like a failure for not having a decent job, or a husband or even a boyfriend or kids, and I’m almost 100% positive I won’t have any money in my 401K so I won’t be able to retire.
I’m really proud of you that you are still trying hard even after stopping your meds. But I think if it will help you do your best in your upcoming job interviews, you should maybe take one that will be effective?
I hope you will keep posting and talking to us and keeping us updated. I will absolutely keep you in my thoughts. Take care~
Thank you for your kind words faeambition. I hope things work out for both of us.
I’m so sorry. I feel the same about closing in on 40. I’ve never been married, never had a serious relationship, never felt loved, never been close to anyone, all because I’ve always been too disgusting and hideous for boys/guys to like. Even in preschool and on, I was too ugly for everyone. I’ve also never had a job, not until the past year. I’ve worked my first full year in my life. I never had a chance to get a job back in my hometown/state/area because it’s backwards and they discriminate to the extreme. Being obese in itself is enough for no one to give you a job. Then add in disability and transgender, forget it. So I basically started my life at 36 only with an associate degree. I wasn’t rich enough to finish the bachelors program I was in. I don’t have any savings either and barely survive. I do worry about the future but the hardest thing to deal with is knowing I could live to be 80 or 90 and I will die never having known love and of course never being married. That’s what tears me apart. Even if I accomplished something great in that time – the next 40 or 50 years – I’ll honestly be embarrassed to die single and never married. To me, that makes me a failure in life and proves I was too ugly for anyone to love. And that really hurts and depresses me. I’m the ugliest person in the world. :'(
Wow disgusting, it breaks my heart to hear you say such awful things about yourself. I’m quite certain you are not the ugliest person in the world. I remember I believed that about myself when I was younger. It sounds like you have had a pretty difficult life with lots to deal with. I believe that everyone deserves to be loved. Even us. I hope with all my heart that you find someone who helps you see what a beautiful person you really are. Thanks for sharing.