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Checked myself into a psych ward Monday, a lot of good that did..

by headupunderdarkcloud

It was horrible, beyond any measure I could have anticipated.. I guess I should have known, but clearly didn’t. I was treated less than human, my basic rights suddenly stripped, walking around in hospital-issued scrubs in a daze, trapped, awaiting doctor’s orders for release.
3 days locked in the confinement of the behavioral wing of the hospital, constantly supervised, your every movement documented, got to go outside once, for some 15 minutes. It was so horrible, all I could think was “get me out of here”, and now that I am out, hardly do I feel any better, but surely for the worse.
Everything feels meaningless.
As part of the condition for my release the gun was taken from my premises, and I guess that is a good thing, but now that friend’s know just how suicidal I am, it makes me feel more trapped in this mental state than ever before.

I don’t know if there’s any true point to this posting, just that it happened, and I wish I had held off the decision to admit myself, hand’t broken down so fully at my counseling session to lead my counselor to suggest I admit myself. It’s not his fault, he meant for the best, but the experience has led things to the worse.
The woman I love doesn’t want to be around me for a while, and I don’t blame her, the woman who wants me to love her makes me feel guilty for being distant. I fucked everything up so royally. I’m still alive though, but feel more dead than ever.

A word of advice for anyone considering it, be sure it’s your absolute last option, it wasn’t for me and I did it anyways, what a mistake. But it’s done and I can’t take it back.

I hope you all are well.


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sportsnut 3/18/2016 - 7:05 pm

thank you for sharing.. i am glad You are alive.. sorry how shitty it was..

headupunderdarkcloud 3/18/2016 - 7:25 pm

Thanks sportsnut. Just can’t believe it came that, and to leave with no reprieve.. Hope you are well today.

sportsnut 3/18/2016 - 7:28 pm

lol…the story of our lives isnt it.. thAnk goodness we have each other here

feeling sleepy 3/18/2016 - 7:21 pm

Yikes! This is a nightmare of mine. I hope they never catch me.

claritee 3/18/2016 - 7:24 pm

Sorry you went through all of that. This is why I have never told my doctor that I have suicidal thoughts. I don’t want to get locked up somewhere like that… omg >.<

headupunderdarkcloud 3/18/2016 - 7:42 pm

Take my word for it, don’t. Pretty much any other method to cope is better than the outcome I endured. Just hope my experience can help elucidate that for others. Be kind to yourself today claritee.

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/18/2016 - 7:27 pm

Gosh I’m sorry. Not all psychiatric units are that bad, but the mental health industry is really in the stone ages. they do damage control instead of being pro-active. Last time I got close to checking myself in there weren’t any beds available which as I keep reading about people’s experiences inpt was most likely a really good thing.

headupunderdarkcloud 3/18/2016 - 7:37 pm

Absolutely, I’m really glad it didn’t come down to you getting committed. I mean the staff, nurses, social workers, etc. there did for the most part genuinely care for my well-being. It’s just to volunteer yourself into an environment like that makes it that much harder to pull yourself out of a desperate place. I don’t know, it’s still so fresh in my head, it’s hard to describe. Now that experience is a part of me, it’s that much harder to shake off any doubts that something is really wrong with me, you know? Like notarizing a certificate of mental illness. So wish I hadn’t done it.

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/18/2016 - 8:03 pm

Would it be crass of me to joke “well that one is off the bucket list”.

Little light mental health humor there. No be glad that you did it. Now you know how bad it really can get, you can strive for better.

GTSuicide_6 3/18/2016 - 9:15 pm

I was going to stay in the hospital. Talked my fucking way out of it. I am so happy. Now my parents hate my existence.

PhantomCitizen43 3/18/2016 - 9:49 pm

I have been to quite a few psych wards and I can agree with you that its no picknic.
But in an emergency they can be helpful.
I am sorry to hear you had a rough time.

Mf 3/18/2016 - 9:53 pm

I can’t say i’ve been in a proper mental institution, but i remember what my (at the time) shrink said about it: “go home and make someone get rid of everything that’s harmful and stay there, you’ll be a better off than going to the local psych ward”. Guess it rings through in several places of the world.

CatchTh3Bus 3/19/2016 - 2:02 am

Damn sorry to hear of your experience. I’ve been in the psyche ward myself and the worst thing was not knowing when i would be let out. Nobody was telling me anything but the patients who told me if the nurses or docs thought I wanted out I’d get locked up for longer. In my mind any sane person who wasn’t working there would want the f’ outta there, why the hell would someone with rational thinking in tact want to be locked up and treated like a 2 year old? I knew I could tolerate a few days but for all I knew I could have been there a month and I’m sure I would have went cuckoo if I was kept longer than the week I stayed, I felt my mind starting to crack in there. I can’t stand being locked up… 🙁 it stains the mind and those mental images never leave.

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