It was horrible, beyond any measure I could have anticipated.. I guess I should have known, but clearly didn’t. I was treated less than human, my basic rights suddenly stripped, walking around in hospital-issued scrubs in a daze, trapped, awaiting doctor’s orders for release.
3 days locked in the confinement of the behavioral wing of the hospital, constantly supervised, your every movement documented, got to go outside once, for some 15 minutes. It was so horrible, all I could think was “get me out of here”, and now that I am out, hardly do I feel any better, but surely for the worse.
Everything feels meaningless.
As part of the condition for my release the gun was taken from my premises, and I guess that is a good thing, but now that friend’s know just how suicidal I am, it makes me feel more trapped in this mental state than ever before.
I don’t know if there’s any true point to this posting, just that it happened, and I wish I had held off the decision to admit myself, hand’t broken down so fully at my counseling session to lead my counselor to suggest I admit myself. It’s not his fault, he meant for the best, but the experience has led things to the worse.
The woman I love doesn’t want to be around me for a while, and I don’t blame her, the woman who wants me to love her makes me feel guilty for being distant. I fucked everything up so royally. I’m still alive though, but feel more dead than ever.
A word of advice for anyone considering it, be sure it’s your absolute last option, it wasn’t for me and I did it anyways, what a mistake. But it’s done and I can’t take it back.
I hope you all are well.