Continuing my story.

(Fair warning this is 2,467 words long. Some of you may remember my last post that was roughly 2,400 words long. So if you enjoy reading this is my book. This is my life.)

Not a whole lot of people will know where I left of during my last visit. So I appologize if you’re confused. It’s time again to type my life out.

I imagine I’m similar to a book. Now to start a new chapter.

As you may know I was planning on moving to Bristol, in Europe. We had left off on my last bout that I had found a better job. I was recently out from seasonal staff at this establishment to permanent. Things were starting to look up for me for once. I wanted to change my life, work, and find my happiness. But I didn’t get far. Life never gives up on letting me down.

Here it goes again. Shortly after mylastt visit here work started to turn against me. I thought after my promtion I was goulden, I wouldn’t have to worry about much from work. I was wrong. See what happened in a months timing and odd days was unfair. My hours started todeplete, I was soon working only 4 hours a week. I tried my best to ask for more hours, but I was always denied more hours. Yet they have seemed to hire at least 10 more people. Each working between 18-40 hours a week. Wouldn’t you think it’s wise to give your current employee’s more hours before hiring people? Things were not lining up at work. See I was one of the most appreciated, hard working employee there. I recieved a promotion not even two weeks from my hire date, I got a whole $1.00 pay raise, and I did my job better than anyone else there. See it started to make sense when I found out my general manager blocked me on Facebook. (Mind you that I did not have an active cell phone until this week. The only way I was able to contact anyone was through wi-fi acess on Facebook messenger.) The general manager is the person who is in charge of the schedule and communicating with employees. So this was strange to me. On top of this, I received a pay cut, I was now making minimum wage, which is $7.45. Things started to get weird at work. (I worked with all females for your information.) Every employee would give me the stink eye, no one said hello to me anymore. I could walk into a room and these women would be laughing or discussing something. As soon as my presences was noticed it would get quiet. They became rude and it got to the point I was being harassed by managers and employees. I started to hate my job. I wanted to cry at work almost every day. I stopped smiling at work. Customers avoided me. I was alone. These women hated me and I knew it. I was different, I was better than them at everything. So they hated me because of that simple fact. As if things couldn’t get any worse, I ended up losing my job last week. They fired me. I’ve never been fired at any job I’ve had. I believe I’m a hard working, amazing employee. See I was sick. I was suppose to open one day at 8:00 a.m. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. Vomiting, running a fever as sick as a dog. I tried calling in to work, but no one was in the building. (Someone is suppose to be there every day at 7:00 a.m.) After a while I tried contacting anyone in a managment position to call in. (Since my general manager blocked me from contacting her I had a hard time with this.) You know how you can tell if someone reads your message, well everyone I contacted read my messages. No one replied until 20 minutes before I had to go in for my shift. I got ready for work anyways and went in. Before I left for work I was told that I am unable to call in sick. If I wanted to call in someone had to take my shift. See the problem was everyone was scheduled that day that I could contact. Everyone else had blocked me from being able to contact them. I show up to work early that morning, and everyone else was late. We enter inside, after I finally get one managers attention out of three. I ask her in private. Look im sick, I would like to go home, I’m unable to work. She tells me that I can go home, but, someone will contact me later to let me know if I still have a job. They fired me. Fuck that place and fuck all of those stuck up, snotty, stupid, lazy, I have an IQ score lower than 80, two faced, worthless, spolied, my daddy pays for everything, I’ve never worked a day in my life, fucking cunts. Look I don’t hate people normally. But these pathetic excuses for a human being deserve to be hated. I am nothing but nice, caring, considerate and understanding.

Look this caused a lot more problems than meets the eyes. See I even communicated about this next issue to my general manager and a few other managers. I was only getting paid $60 roughly every two weeks for about two months. That’s $120 roughly a month. My bills were; $320 monthly for rent, $80+ utilities a month, and $70+ internet a month. Not to include my credit card payment which is $27 monthly, food, and money for transportation to and from work. That alone is $500-$700 a month to live. Subtract that from $120. The math doesn’t work out. I ended up getting evicted from my home. I had moved out of my home February 28th.

See as as this wasn’t enough, life had more in store for me. I started dating this man, he is 25, going on 26 in a few months. It happened out of no where. I met him through some people I knew, but originally had no intrest or intentions of us being together. He wanted to hang out with me almost every day. One day we were at his place on the couch watching anime. Both on either sides of the couch. Something came over me and I had asked him, “Can I act on impulse?” He replied “Sure.” Not even seconds after his response I dove into his arms, landing on his chest. It was perfect, almost like a movie. We started hanging out more and more. He would tell me “You’re the girl of my dreams.” This made me smile and blush. See before we had met he came into my work around the holidays to buy a gift for his little sister. I don’t remember his face or seeing him, but he told me. “I got really dumb and nervous when I saw you. You were beautiful.” He had told his friends about me that night. Soon after we actually met. It was out of a dream. The day he asked me to be his girlfriend after hang out for weeks was amazing. I was at his house doing dishes for them. For some reason he let me stay there while he was away. He came up behind me and hugged me. Throwing two new decks of magic cards on the counter infront of us. He told me to pick one, after I did he asked me. “Brii, would you be my girlfriend?” I told him “No.” Just to see his reaction. It was funny, he went from happy to sad in an instant. I then told him, “I’m just kidding, I wanted to see what you would do if I said no. Yes I’ll be your girlfriend.” I hugged him and we kissed. For a while everything was fine, he was so nice, caring and helpful. He would call me pretty all the time. He always wanted to see me. He told me he missed me not even within 24 hours time. He told me often that I’m the girl of his dreams. And one day I had told him I loved him. And he said it back. See this window of time was happy. I was happy. It was so simple, beautiful. But it all changed. While I was moving out I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. He had helped me with painting the place I was being evicted from. This day I was a wreck. I was so stressed out of my mind that I became a different person. I was crying off and on all day, panicing, you know. But he was there for me. To kiss me on the forehead, tell me its going to be ok, and “We will figure it out.” See when we got to my old place we had just started to set up. Then one of my old roomates that I hated came up to me. She was bitching about bills that I’ve been trying so hard to pay. (Mind you she had been cheating me out of my own money.) She came in the room he and I were in just to complain about the $10 I owed. I told her to leave me alone. She said no. So I shut the door on her and she oppened it again. The second time I tried to shut the door on her she wouldn’t let me. So I pushed her. She stood like an ox (This girl is 2x-3x bigger than me.) I snapped. I had enough, something over took me. I punched her in the face, several times, her glasses flew off. She then grabbed me by the hair and forced me downward then started beating me on the back of my head. I bit her leg. I would not let go. My teeth tighting the more she hit me. I hate her. He then ripped me off from her. I screamed at her. Shortly after I got up quickly and frantically, went into the room I was in and kicked my space heater. Let’s just say my space heater is now broken and has a huge hole in it. I fucked up my foot, I wasn’t able to walk on it for about two weeks. It was painful. Blood everywhere.

Here is my foot 2 days after the event.

See after this event my boyfriend stopped doing everything he did before. He changed. And it’s all my fault. I broke finally, in the worst way I could. And now he ignores me. Tells me I’m too clingy, I’m a child, and talks to me differently. I give him space, and I’ve been trying to leave him alone. See, we live together now, he insisted that I move in with him. I was going to be homeless once again in my life, but he let me stay with him. I feel as if he let me because he feels sorry for me. See I’ve been depressed about this. Because it seems as if everything negativly that can happen is happening. See tonight actually, he spoke with me. He told me that I became a burden to him and I have to move out of his place on the 1st of next month. He told me that he has wanted to stay away from me because I became too childish. I was too quiet, shy, shut out. That to him is childish. Me trying to communicate with him on how I feel is childish. See it is part of my fault. Two separate nights I woke him up at 1:00 a.m. and insisted to talk. I wanted to break up with him a week or so ago. Because I felt as if we were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend. I was just there. Idle. You know? I’ve made him mad 3 times in the past few weeks. I became emotionally unstable. I was trapped in my head and alone. We talked tonight and in the end as we both stood up to go smoke a ciggarette outside, he came up to me and gave me a hug. He held me close to his body, paceing as my feet barely floated from the floor. My body swung around as my feet stumbled on the floor. He told me tonight as he held me. “Everything will be ok. Ok? No more of this negativity, I want the happy, cute Brii. Ok?” After that he asked me what I would like to do tonight (We haven’t spent quality time with each other for weeks.) We ended up playing Magic The Gathering, and he laid on my lap. Now we are laying in bed together (We haven’t fallen asleep in the same room for days). So after all of these feelings of doubt, fear, and being a burden. It seems ok now. I feel a lot better.

Past this, there is more. One of my good friend’s mother passed away this week. From the sounds of it and events following her death, she commited suicide. So soon I will be attending a funeral to support my friend. I’m not good with funerals, expecially one that the person took their own life. I’m afraid after the funeral I will start contemplating taking my own. See this next month or so will be hard on me. Not only the death of a friend’s mother, but the soon death of a family member of mine. I found out about two weeks ago my step grandfather has stage four terminal lung cancer. See I don’t know him well since he lives in Illinois. But I know that he is a good person. He had a stroke a day after he started treatment. And now his health has depleated so much that he might not live past a month. They found out he became extremely anemic. Which means they are no longer able to do blood transfusions. So they sent him home on hospice. His oxygen levels have also dropped deadly low. He is now on oxygen and isn’t able to move even with the oxygen. That’s how low it is. I expect him to die within the month. On top of all of this, on the 25th my grandfather is getting another stint put in his heart. There are going to be complications and it’s possible that he will pass away. So putting this all together I may have to attend three funerals all very close together. I don’t know if im I’m able to take that much stress. And if that’s the case I will need someone supportive for me so that I don’t end up wanting to take my own life. I don’t handel death well.

In conclusion, I’m numb. I’m stressed. This sucks.