Dead or Alive; ?

I haven’t been doing OK,

but I have been feeling, “OK”.

And I wonder why. Yes, I am still suicidal, crying all night and day, cutting everyday.

But, during the days and nights, I haven’t been feeling, “numb.”

I have been “OK”. I haven’t felt a deep dark pit swelling inside of me. I think I realized how fine I was recently after reading posts here about how some people are very sad at the moment.

So whats the change? Why am I OK?

I’m not sure. However, I do notice my happiness comes from wondering about suicide.

As some may know, in a  month I plan to end it all. And it makes me …happy.

I am OK now; I have been cutting less. I am getting better. Why? Because suicide.

I’ve been talking to my family a lot, eating more, and haven’t been experiencing nightmares.

SUICIDE IS AWESOME. I love this state…I haven’t been feeling HORRIBLY TERRIBLY AWFULLY AWFUL.

Isn’t that crazy? Isn’t that dangerous? My, I am confused.

Death makes me feel alive…