I thought about you again today. I talked about you. It was quite a mess. I couldn’t gather up the words to say. There is just too much to share.
Good times and bad, you were always there. As I was for you. Memories we shared I will forever cherish. Our connection, our ups, and downs. What we’ve been through, what I put you through, what you went through, and those the same for me.
My most precious memory of us together was the night at Rock Fest. The only band we came to see was HURT and Blue October. I remember when you got to met J after their set was done. Shortly after getting back to the crowd I got elbowed that night. Do you remember, I do. We were locking arms standing together protecting these three young girls from the 4 pits surrounding us. I got elbowed in the ribs. I colapses. Blacking out for a moment. Regaining consciousness to you screaming, terrified. Trying to get me out of the crowd. I was screaming and kicking, then some huge guy came out of no where and threw me on top of the crowd to surf out. The bouncer caught me and carried me to the parametics. I was diagnosed with a broken rib. You soon made your way to me with so much worry in your blue eyes. You carried me to where the drunk tank was so the oficers could provide me care for the next hour. Making sure I didn’t have a punctured lung. You sat with me and we laughed. I decided not to go to the hospital that night, my rib is still broken and always will be. It never healed after that night.
After night fall we went back to the stage, 60% pf the people left by then so it was empty and cold. You gave me your jacket. Blue october had just gotten to the stage. We were standing side by side. Then 18th floor balcony came on and you came behind me. Wrapped your arms around my waist, resting your head on my shoulder. We swayed back and forth. I could feel your heart beat on my back.
Do you remember when I was inches frm my edge? I told you my plan in every detail. How I would die, what I would do. You stayed with me for days on end. Making sure I was ok, trying to talk me out of it. You watched me prepare my suicide remember? Do you remember what I told you? That night you ended it. I drove you home and we sat outside for hours talking. You cried when you told me that you couldn’t do this anymore. That you had to leave. And I’m so sorry Jordan that it had to be that way, after all it was my fault.
Do you remember the night you were in my bathroom and “he” showed up? This was the first time I’ve seen “him” do you remember me riding in the ambulance with you that night, holding your hand? The parametic asked me if I was your girlfriend, and I laughed. You came back and cried the hardest I’ve ever seen you cry befor, then “he” came back again. Do you remember me visiting you everyday in the hospital for a week? Everone was asking you if I was your girlfirend and you laughed. I remember seeing the doctors with you, telling him what I could. I remember him giving us shit for not dating. We laughed Jordan. We found out you have schizophrenia. It was severe. I always knew that you had something similar. After years of pushing you, we finally got you on the right track. The medications helped tremendously. I was so hapoy for you. I still am. I finally fixed so much of you that was gone or broken.
I helped you get through so much in life. Do you remember them all? I do. I hope you’re still kicking. You’re strong after all, you’re like me, as I am to you.
Do you remember when we graduated school together? When I was walking and vomiting on our way to school. I was so sick that day, but we laughed. We were determined to get out diplomas. You were the first person to accept me into your home after convincing your mother. I lived with you for 3 months remember?
Jordan do you rember the discussions we always had? Sharing our complete selves with each other. Our entire lives. I know absolutely everything there is to know about you, smae for you to I. We shared what we went through in our minds as well. What you struggled with daily, and what I struggled with daily.
Jordan, I’m sorry. And I know I’ve said this countless times. You have every right to not believe me, because I wouldnt believe me either. But I am truely sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you. What I stole from you. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Tonight I realized that I was that person to you, as those people were to me. I’m crying tonight. What I did was wrong. It was selfish.
You were in love with me. And I know that you still are. You always had a nack for trying to block out your feelings towards me. But it never worked. I always made you crack. It was adorable. You would get giddy like a school girl, blush, and nervous. And I took that all away from you. I didn’t love you like you did for me. I lead you on, I slept with you and we tried dating off and on. When we did date people would tell is that we were perfect for each other. Even if we were not dating people would say were an amazing couple. See I tried to love you like you love me Jordan. But I couldn’t find it. I tired everything I could. I’m sorry I left you, more than once. I’m sorry for the pain I put you through.
Jordan honey, I miss you. I don’t miss you because of the usual reasons. Jordan, I love you. It may not be the way you love me, but I’ve never loved someone as much as I love you. I miss you Jordan, I really do. I hope you’re happy and successful. I hope you found love. The love I was never able to give you.
From the deepest regions on my heart,
Your other half, Brianna.