It’s one of those nights. I don’t want to sleep. I want to stay up with somebody and feel like I have a physical human being around with whom I can form some kind of bond. It gets dull adding a new chapter to my two novels, or writing lyrics for the next song project. It’s old, I’m tired, and I need somebody- not something. No more games, books, or any other cheap form of entertainment. I need this thing called a human bond. It’s always seemed to allude me.
I’m not sure what to do. I never have been. I do my best to fit in, but I never can. I make sure I don’t complain about my life to strangers. I always wear the fake smile and do my utmost to be the listener, and if I indeed am thrust in a position where I must entertain and talk, I refuse to ***** about my life. However it always seems as if they see something in my eyes telling them to stay away. Maybe that instinct serves them well. Maybe I’d just be a nuisance to them. I’ve been accused more times than I can count of being a pathological liar whenever I have the chance to open up. That makes it so that I’m terrified to answer when I get the excruciatingly rare “Are you okay” from a stranger.
Before I go, I’ll botulate some of my depression on here. A while back I was actually engaged to a very amazing person. She ended up on Xanax for whatever reason.. I didn’t think too much about it. She ended up on Cocaine.. then Heroine.. then came the gang affiliation to support her drug habit. Then came constant threats against us. Then came the end of our relationship when she realized how badly she was torturing me. Drugs became more important. No, this isn’t at all the only reason I’m a depressed individual. Just one small part of the story. I’ll probably end up posting here every few days now, adding bits and pieces of events I haven’t mentioned in past posts. Maybe I’ll end up copying song links for my band, or sharing lyrics/poems, what have you.. I love you all. 🙂
I know I should go to sleep… it’s 4 AM now. I’ll creep around on the forums for a bit after finishing this post though.. and listen to some music.. and per my new norm, I’ll leave ya with another selfie. I’ll slowly work my way up to present day.. you’ll all be able to realize how they stop being so happy and contagious. Hope y’all are doing okay.
Ermergerd mah hair
24 comments
If folks call you a liar when you’re being honest, then they’re either too stupid or too scared to accept the truth. It’s easier to call someone manipulative than it is to reach out and try to support them, so people usually run away from anyone with problems. “You’re just trying to guilt trip me into feeling sorry for you! What a piece of shit!” Yep. Because everyone out there is expected to be fine, and if they’re not, they must be a sociopath trying to feed on sympathy. It sucks, I hear you.
I’d like a genuine human bond with another person too. Wouldn’t it to be nice to be appreciated and valued by someone who cares.
Agreed by a million percent.
Million million percent!
🙂 Thanks guys.
Thanks for the response, and yeah, I’m sick of it. I rarely open up to people in person anymore. Of course, it’s not like I get many chances anyway- just when they come along, I’m at the point where I would rather not get the same condescending look of disbelief I’ve grown so accustomed to receiving.
At this point I should try for some sleep. I’ll check back on my posts later.. night.
I don’t have a million, but i agree at any random number if it’s *prepares vegeta voice* OVER 9000! *goes back to normal*.
I giggled a bit. I grew up with DB so naturally I’m keeping up with DB Super.
Wow..your eyes..beautiful and intriguing. I am not gay just making a compliment.
Thank ya. 🙂
You have a band! What do you play?
I remember MANY years ago, I played keyboard (and harp) in a rock band.
(Yes… harp… long story. The band didn’t last long!)
These days I just play french horn in the local symphony, and now and then I’ll compose something for the symphony to play. It’s fun, even if it is hard work sometimes.
It’s good therapy for me; since I’m disabled I’m not able to work consistently at an actual job, so this at least helps me feel like I occasionally accomplish something.
As of now I’m just the synth guy on the keyboard doing backup vocals. I used to be the front man but I was in Phoenix when the rest of the band started to gig and do their own thing. So I ended up quitting and was invited back in to do my mediocre job.
To compensate for that I found another musician at my college who invited me to his, so I have a role of importance again. I’m still debating if I’ll just do drums or if I’ll be their front man and lyricist.
I used to play guitar, but as mentioned in I believe my first post on here, my hands have become utterly decimated in the past ten years. I can no longer play an instrument requiring dexterity of the hands, and they’re in constant pain with very limited mobility.
Hey man where’s the music link???????
Here’s one for ya.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1y02EvgkNo
Nicely metallic.
Better than a lot of stuff I hear on the radio these days. (!)
I especially like the one line in the chorus that ends on an unexpected major chord.
Thank ya. I’m more on the “write emotional music” side than this though, so I’ll eventually end up letting our current front man record everything I do as a track he can hit spacebar for in live performances and go do my own thing. Won’t be for a while though. Lol, if you saw the kind of lyrics I write, you’d know how different my style is from Vengeance.
You mind if I share this?
Go for it. 🙂
Pretty cool track. Did your band record it or you had it recorded by someone? i’m asking because if you guys recorded it there’s a few things that could fix the quality of the recording quite a lot, like using a better drum plug in (i’m guessing it’s a midi programmed drum?) like superior drummer 2 and taming down the effects on the main vocal a bit. As it stands i really liked it, and i know quality wise it could sound even better, thanks for sharing it!
Band recorded it. I have no idea what our frontman did to produce our MP3. All I know is he walked up to us with our full demo CD and we were in shock. He made his own drum tracks since our drummer didn’t have a means of recording with decent quality.
You seem like a really sensitive and caring guy who is REAL in a world full of fake people. It seems that most of the fake ones can’t handle when somebody is being their true self while they are living a lie. Maybe that’s why they accuse you of lying. It’s all screwed up. I think I’ll do as you do and not open up to people as much anymore. They just don’t know what to do with that.
I also know how much of a hold xanax can have over you. I’ve been on it since about your age and it is hell trying to get off it. I really don’t know if it’s possible for me because I always had intense anxiety before I went on it. So I don’t know if I could even function in a world like this without it, or if I even want to.
I always refused to take anything for my anxiety or depression. I firmly believe it would be the death of me as I’d lose my ability to cope with it if I wasn’t always experiencing it. My ex fiance took the extreme opposite route and wanted to numb everything.
For now, I’m content with venting on here and not opening up to people in person anymore. It doesn’t make sense to me now to even risk losing a potential “friend” over what they may deem to be an attention grabbing stunt.
Thank you for the compliment by the way. 🙂
really like it…and youtube lets me queue up more. Youtube saves my life nightly.
Mostly because it queues up shit like this for me. I mean who wouldn’t like to watch something like this live right?
youtube.com/watch?v=2dTGUdlzkG4
Oh god, I realized that when I watched my band stuff on youtube… that damn song is always in the suggestions.