I’m thinking of plunging a knife in my gut or throat. I’m thinking of hanging myself. Overdosing. But pills just never work. Tried that already. I just want to die.
Someone please talk to me…
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Hey there *hugs*
Hugs right back at you
Please vent more of you need to
I’m here to listen as well.
Thanks toves… Love your avatar btw
How you holding up right now Ylem?
i have been worried sick
I’m here Yelm. Are you out of the hospital, do you need someone to message or talk to verbally? I have phone acess if you need to speak. What happened? What’s making you feel this way?
If I don’t hear back from you soon I will begin to worry about you. My heart resides with you right now. I dropped everything I was doing. Making sure that you are ok, or I can get you to an ok place.
Hey beaubri
I’m out of hospital. I was discharged yesterday. Suicidal thoughts are back full force. I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t find anything to distract me or keep my mind off it.
Let’s take a first step.
Are you breathing frantically, crying, looking for ways to harm yourself currently?
Yes…
Ok, take breathes, focus on breathing. play some music, or scribble on paper, anything you can think of to help ease your mind. We will work from there. I’ll help walk you through this.
Okay… I’m listening to music and I’m making an entry on my diary. It’s a diary for times like these. I document what I’m feeling on it.
ya try that
Do both of thoes things help you out a lot?
Yes it helps. That along with taking long walks at night. It’s not safe but I prefer the night so people won’t have to see my sad face and see me crying.
You know you are really depressed when a cashier at a supermarket asks if you are okay. That has happened to me.
*offers you a cookie*
Hey Ylem I’m worried please talk hugs
I want to be okay. I want to be happy. When will I ever be happy? I have so much support. My family. My classmates. They always checked up on me when I was in hospital. But I still hate being alive. I don’t feel anything. The emptiness is so overwhelming. I’m not allowed to do the one thing that makes me feel human. I feel so dead. A zombie. When will I feel alive?
Yelm; everything you want tragically won’t happen over night. It takes time and a lot of it. I’ve been there, believe me I have. The best you can do is finding new ways to make yourself happy again. Finding something new to fill the void, (that is healthy for you) this seems impossible, but the hardest part is taking that first step. Actually looking for something. Being trapped and numb to everything is an obsticle to easily over come, even though it seems the hardest.
I know. I’ve searching for happiness for so long. My family means a lot to me, and they love me. I know that. I can see that. But I just don’t ever feel alive. I’ve been patient for far too long. Nothing happens. I hate it.
Yelm; do you happen to do the same thing every day?
Come to think of it… Yes. Life is a stupid tiring routine for me. Wake up, shower, go to school, come back, study, eat, shower, go to bed, wake up and go through the same routine again. My life is so dull and boring.
How i see it, no matter what kind of life it is, whether good or not so good (I’ll exclude some kind of lives e.g where people are starving to death in poverty) – not cuz i don’t care, i do care, but cuz of my point. That we just sleep, shower, eat, job, eat, do whatever, sleep and repeat the same crap for 50+ years for example
Yelm; try mixing up your routine, throw something new in there every now and again. See if that helps you out with your empty feeling.
What kind?
Keep talking maybe you can take up beaubris voice offer. anything to keep your mind off the thoughts, uhh idk perhaps you should just keep talking here for now people will listen
Here is perfectly fine NIIL. People IRL just never listen.
Ya that’s what i mean
Nutty…. To be honest, I was waiting for your comment. Missed you. (I missed you all)
you know i am always here and i love you!!
Haha he never sleeps
Cuz you never sleep you nut… I love you too <3
I want to be dead myself so i don’t really have advice
it would seem like you are looking for some kind of substance in your life correct me if I’m wrong?
This will take a long time but you have to take small steps i thinks
I’m trying. I’ve been trying. Taking it slow. One step at a time. But it’s really painful. I was out of hospital on Thursday. Friday I tried to OD again. Didn’t work, obviously. What is wrong with me?!
again i think you need substance in your life but i think the human brain (not only yours) has a habit of wanting everything now and being very irrational
can you subtly suggest you are not ok to your friends and classmates but idk maybe they wont understand. It is only a suggestion. .. Hmmm
When I say I’m not okay, they say I’m making things seem worse than they really are. I wish someone could read my thoughts and see exactly what goes through my head every day. I fake smile a lot to mask the pain. I even smiled to my doctor while telling him I’m depressed. At least he understood when I said I smile to hide what I’m really feeling.
well that’s a problem if they say that, although i don’t think they will ever understand
Keep posting cuz we want to know that your still around
Im horrible at giving out advice but I can agree with NIIL. It wont be easy but during these times the good and bad can happen.
Were here for you either way just to listen or give out advice.
Love you too nutty <3
I have so much to live for. I know that. My family. I need to get them out of this shithole. But, that’s the problem. The fact that I’m alive to keep other people happy, while I’m miserable. I’m never happy.
i love you Ylem <3
Love you too NIIL. I love all you SP’ers. You have been my true friends and you’ve always been here for me whenever I was in a crisis, and you never judge. People I consider friends in real life don’t understand me. They don’t even want to try. They force me to go about life as if nothing is wrong. Smile when I’m in pain. Pray when I tell them I don’t believe in God. I don’t even know how to pray.
Thank u all for being here for me, with me…
Ya i think we all understand that cuz I’m yet another person who pretends to be happy and ‘ok’ when I’m not that way at all, i wear a mask. seriously and if you don’t wear a mask you’ll be judged or maybe some who care but don’t understand at all will go ‘whats wrong’ then you tell them, then they say the usual crap like ‘it gets better’ you know…
You are right about that. They never will. Even my therapist told me that. He said, instead of trying to make people understand what I’m going through, I should try to understand myself. What makes me happy? What makes me sad? What brings me to the point where I want to harm myself?
I got it. So, I won’t share with them how I feel. But keeping it all to myself is painful. Sometimes I just need a shoulder to cry on.
Only you can find that out, I’m sorry i don’t have advice there. I think you should try and find something that might give your life substance, a reason to live. But that’s a big call cuz you should take small steps i think…
Baby steps… I’m trying. I had a substance in my life. I had my brother. He kept me afloat and I got him killed. I think that’s why I’m breaking and drowning so much. I feel like I’ll hurt the whoever I’ll get close to. I can’t have another person die because of me.
Oh i remember that I’m sorry Ylem and my condolences..
idk if i should say this; maybe your brother was also suffering. Everyone dies eventually. yeah that makes me sound like a prick. But i figure that he meant alot to you. I can only think of you trying to incorporate him into your life, write about him. What did he like to see and do? what would he have wanted you to do?
Even my mother told me I think too much. I should get a boyfriend. I feel like I’ll be a burden to whomever I date. I don’t want that. I need someone to share the load with, but I don’t think that person will be able to take it. I’m too much of a weight to carry.
hey I’m in an online relationship and feel like a burden too. I cannot say that I’d suggest an online relationship as you are not physically together and it can cause hurt and maybe paranoia even more than a real life one.
i think if they are an understanding person its ok. Tell them everything!!! Cuz if you don’t you are living a lie. You need to be able to share even things you would rather not share. Its better to find out what a person is like sooner than later
There’s a guy in my class. I like him a lot, and he cares about me. He was the first person I told about my depression and suicidal thoughts. He offers a helping hand. But I feel like a burden still. I should stop going to him to feel better. He really does make me feel okay because he listens to me and doesn’t judge. I sent him a text yesterday telling him I’ve OD’d again. He was really worried. A part of me feels like I’m just an attention-seeking whore. But I’m not. I really need help. I need someone to save me from myself, because I’m drowning. I can’t keep myself alive. I know it’s asking too much. But that’s what I need. I’ve tried all I can to get myself out of this problem…. I’ve reached my limit. All I think about now is killing myself, not saving myself. That’s why everything is falling apart. I need someone to save me from myself. Which asking way too much.
I think you should keep talking to him. Its not an easy thing to not think of yourself as a burden; cuz i myself also feel like a burden.
try get a book and write down everything you feel now; … Idk
you really need to get everything out,
i blow at giving advice I’m terrible at it :/ so sorry
You’ve been doing good so far, Niil 🙂 keep going
I’m always here if you need me I’m not smart or good with words but I’ll be an ear to hear and speak from the heart
Thanks Deadinside. You guys are the best kind of support I’ve come across. I’m glad I found this site before disemboweling myself.
you think of disembowling ?? That is truly beyond excruciating
I’ve tried it before. I am very impulsive. I have a scar on the left side of my abdomen. Whenever I’m extremely suicidal like today, I hide the knives.
please don’t do that cuz its an excruciating way to die
I’m impulsive too sometimes but the only thing that stopped me is that i might fail, i certainly don’t want to end up incapacitated for example
Me too. I want a m3thod that will work bcos I’m scared of failing. I tried pills even though I know they hardly work. I tried them anyway. Just couldn’t take the pain. I was unconscious for a day and woke up in hospital.
I’m very impulsive so I understand the disembowel thing one time I just started burning myself
But do not carry through with any impulse you may or may not have (have no clue if you’re like me) you’ll get really hurt instead of dying and pain in the end doesn’t help a suffering soul
I know. But I prefer physical pain to emotional pain. At least I can pinpoint where it hurts. With emotional, I don’t even know where the pain is.
Yeah I get that the sad fact about physical and emotional pain though is emotional pain can do far worse damage that can’t be seen and can’t be healed
I know. I have a deep wound that is bleeding and infected, that no one can see or heal.
Yelm; feel free to email me. I imagine reading everyones post at once and replying is difficult. So if you need to talk one on one here is this. Just shout out my name if you need me ok?
briannaj.keigan @ gmail . com
Heres my email too if you’d rather communicate that way: lavahlight at live dot com
You guys are the best. I’m in tears right now. Promise me this…. You will stay with me and keep me alive this whole year until I get my degree, because I can’t do this alone.
well yes i can do that i am very worried about you and do care, ok i know its just words but I do. I’m not very talkative really but i can listen if you need someone to listen and I’ll try give advice where possible
Its not easy cuz i just want to off myself and i intended to in a few months but I’m holding off on it cuz i cant afford to fail i truly cant, so as long as I’m alive I’ll be here
Thank you niil. I still have a decade or so to live. I have my expiration date written down and my m3thod of choice. If I keep getting like this, I doubt I’ll reach a decade still alive. I might just die too soon.
I really don’t know how to find substance but its common for people to want to die after they lose a close friend etc, even it is there for months or years after or forever. Time does not heal all wounds
whatever it is you really need to get it out, please don’t let anything be bottled up. I mean, at least on here where people may understand
I’m listening. I have been this whole time I’m just really bad at giving out advice and saying anything general. But I’ve been here, I speak the truth from my own experiences so if you ever need someone to give honest advice you can talk to anyone on here. Im sure they’ll be way more insightful than me but I’ll leave my email too. And don’t worry about being a burden to any of us, if we thought that why would we bother leaving our email and spending all this time to help you. I may have just met you but I’ll be here for you.
tosev.hey @ gmail . com
Thanks tosev. I have a lot of emails to write today. Thank you so much to you all for being here with me. You are the best people I’ve ever gotten to know in this world.
And I’m going to sound strange here but a true friend would really have empathy and understanding no matter how hard it may be to understand, cuz they don’t tell people with cancer the ignorant stuff. You know yourself best, in terms of how you feel at least
The problem is though is that its extremely difficult to find people who do understand or at least really, really try to. And i don’t mean them saying crap like ‘it gets better’. why should you need to wear a mask around a true friend? Maybe they are ok in other ways but they really should be there and ready in your time of need. They should be able to listen no matter how ‘strange’ it may sound
So true. A friend of mine told me I pretend to be sick because I’m looking for attention. That crushed me. And because I think too much, my mind keeps playing that over and over again. I don’t know how to shut my thoughts and think only the positive.
Like I’ve said, there’s only one person who is like that. I don’t have to wear a mask around him. I can just be me. I don’t want t be dependent on him too much. I need to find it in me to fight this. I need to find a way to cope with this on my own. He’s leaving at the end of the year.
My brother was what kept me alive all these years. I broke down when he died.
I just don’t have the strength to fight this. I know it’s right for me to say this, but I need someone to offer me a hand and lift me up from the dirt and dust me off before the earth swallows me up.