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FUCK!! APRIL IS FUCKING HERE!!!

by Ylem

I hate April.

Someone please, beat me till I’m numb. Strangle me… Fucking shatter every bone in my body…

I can feel the pain. The memories flooding my head all at once. I overthink things but this is too much. My thoughts are racing. It feels like last year… Last year’s events are slowly playing out in my head…

I still remember what happened on each day of April. From the first till the 30th. I fucking hate this.

Someone please save me from myself!!!

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15 comments

Drowning 3/31/2016 - 2:07 pm

Lem email me if you need to talk my twin I no it’s a hard month for u

Ylem31 3/31/2016 - 4:48 pm

You are always here for me D. Thanks a million 🙂

whitetiger 3/31/2016 - 2:17 pm

I’m sorry its such a hard month for you. Here if you wanna chat.

Ylem31 3/31/2016 - 4:50 pm

I feel that I will break. I will break so bad, I might end up in a psych ward. Something I can’t afford. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place here. Why does my life have to fucking suck so much?

mindlessgamer619 3/31/2016 - 2:26 pm

email me anytime you wanna talk, Ylem.

Ylem31 3/31/2016 - 4:47 pm

Thanks my twin. I need all the support I can get to make it through this whole year.

Drowning 3/31/2016 - 4:52 pm

Yeah I totally get you about the year part yes I think it’s going to be a struggle for me too

Ylem31 3/31/2016 - 5:04 pm

Fuck this year!! My twin, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t deal with the pain anymore, D. The pain just doesn’t go away. I know I overthink things too much… But fuck! My head’s fucked up enough. I can’t spend another minute in this world reliving the moment my brother drew his last breath and keep hearing his last words. “Ma, it’s over.”
I HATE IT. I HATE EVERYTHING. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH FOR WHAT I DID TO HIM.
I should have been the one to die. He would still be here for his children. He would still be here. A great guy died for a fuck up like me. I’m a disappointment. A useless, worthless piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to still be breathing. I’m already a walking fossil. A fucking zombie. I can’t feel a damn thing. I should be dead already. I want to fucking die in the most gruesome of ways your can possibly think of. Saw shit kinda dying. I deserve to suffer for all the suffering I put my family through.

GOD!!! WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL HERE?!!

Drowning 3/31/2016 - 6:32 pm

I’m just letting u no I read this

dividebyzero 3/31/2016 - 3:40 pm

I’m sorry April is so hard. What happened last April, if you don’t mind me asking? Why are you feeling the same way this year? Are you afraid what happened last year will happen again?

Ylem31 3/31/2016 - 4:46 pm

Undefined…. My brother was stabbed and butchered to death multiple times in front of me by my so-called Christian neighbours. He died April 11, 5 days after his 30th birthday. He died because of me. He was defending me and they killed him. I hate myself so much. I should have been the one who died. My family wouldn’t be suffering so much.

dividebyzero 3/31/2016 - 5:02 pm

Holy shit. I … don’t even know what to say to that. I’m so sorry.

Ylem31 3/31/2016 - 5:09 pm

Don’t feel sorry for me, Undefined. I don’t deserve it. I actually don’t deserve to be comforted. I did this. All of this.
I’m breaking and I don’t think anything will fix me. Not therapy. Not medication. Nothing. I’m shattered and broken far beyond repair. I can’t take this shit anymore.

whiskered-fish 3/31/2016 - 5:31 pm

I can’t even begin to imagine your pain, Ylem, and I won’t kid myself by trying to, because I know that whatever I manage won’t even come close to what you feel. But I know that you hate yourself. You think that there is nothing remotely likable—much less, lovable—about you.
But your brother died for you, Ylem, because he loved you. He saw something in you worth loving, and even worth risking his life for. He might not have known or expected that he would die that day, but if he did, I think he would’ve made the same choice. I know I’m not him, but I would do the same for my little sister. Because I love her. And he had to have loved you.
I don’t know what you believe in terms of the afterlife, but if he can see you right now, I would think that he’d want you to stay alive. If he had wanted you to die, I don’t think that he would have done that for you. Wouldn’t allowing this guilt to kill you be an insult to his memory?

Ylem31 3/31/2016 - 5:46 pm

I’m in tears. And yes, he’d want me to stay alive. But I was not worth dying for. He was too special to a lot of people, people who loved him and miss him dearly. I was just a fuck up he was trying to keep under control. I was not worth it. If I was, I would be embracing his memory and what he did for me, and fight to stay alive. Fight to live up to his name. But I’m not. I want to escape the pain of this fucked up world. He knew that. He knew I didn’t want to be here and he gave his life for someone so undeserving of it. I didn’t deserve it.

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