I can’t live like this anymore. Is it even living? It’s not even surviving. I’m barely existing. My depression is getting worse again. It was just starting to get somewhat better.
My moods are fluctuating terribly, but there’s been some sort of ‘okay’ in there for a couple weeks. Now it’s all just came down so hard and fast over the last few days. It’s making everything else spiral out of control.
All of the voices are constant, including the Angels. The figures are everywhere. I can’t eat. I barely sleep. I don’t want to leave the house. My suicidal thoughts are overwhelming, and I can’t keep myself from thinking about it all the time.
I’m making everyone miserable. My mum wants to walk out. She can’t cope with me anymore. None of my family can cope with me. I can’t cope with myself. Everything hurts. I can’t control my emotions, there’s too many of them at once and they’re so intense. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore.
My mum tells me to just ‘fight everything’. No matter how many times I tell her it doesn’t work like that, she doesn’t listen. No one listens, and no one understands. I’m terrified of everything all the time. I give up. It’s all too much. I don’t know what else I can do anymore.
I want my family, despite all their ignorance and lack of support, to have what good still resides in their uncorrupted bones to be saved. I want them to have normal lives where they’re not dealing with someone who doesn’t deserve a second thought. And I need to be castaway like the garbage I am. Because there’s no hope for me. Not anymore.
I give up. I can’t get better. I won’t get better. Every piece of help I’ve ever been offered is never enough for me to get better. It’s like everything inside me rejects it. And I think that the only reason I’m so desperate to save is because I can’t be saved myself.
This entire post probably makes no sense and is probably all over the place. But I’m exhausted so oh well