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Hatred

by imokaybutnotreally

In July of 2015 I attempted suicide. I tried to overdose on a full prescription of Xanax. I was prescribed quite a bit. What happened between when I took the bottle, and when I woke up over 24 hours later in the ER is a blur to me. I would hardly call myself a “suicide survivor” because all I can think about is dying. I have always been depressed, mostly due to my severe, crippling anxiety. I can hardly function and that is no stretch of the truth. My desires in life I can never achieve. I become paralyzed when I interact with anyone who I am not totally comfortable with. I can hardly speak to my own family without saying inappropriate things I don’t mean or having my body become paralyzed. It is hard for people to relate to me, and when they do I tend to fuck it all up. I just want to put an end to all my misery but I am pregnant. My family doesn’t know and my boyfriend is excited to be a dad, but shows little affection to me anymore. I wish I could die. I don’t know if I am fit to be a mother and giving my child away or killing it is not right either. I wish I was the one who had never been born.

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canadiansunset 3/11/2016 - 12:16 am

I can relate to you so much. I was pregnant too, but I lost my child and I wish too I had never been born. How old are you?

imokaybutnotreally 3/11/2016 - 2:49 pm

Turning 20 next month

ineedtowannalive 3/11/2016 - 12:27 am

Sweetie I can relate to u a lot also. U may not believe it but it’s true. I’m suicidal also (well why else would I be on here) and I actually just joined a few minutes ago cuz I was extra down and yours was the first post I saw. If u wanna chat privately my email is selsavage11408@gmail.com. We can email or text if u want. I’m here for u, I think it’s good to talk to someone who understands. I love my best friend but she doesn’t understand what I’m going through and she says things that piss me off sometimes

PhantomCitizen43 3/11/2016 - 12:33 am

Im sorry to hear about your issues with anxiety and depression. My situations are a bit different but I can relate to your struggle. I am a disabled guy > So I have insecurities and low self esteem and often have a hard time relating to other people. It can be rough. Luckily I have a good family and I am fairly independent. Yes it is the right thing for you to do to stay alive and healthy so long as you are pregnant.
Try to think positive about your future and keep your mind on positive things.

imokaybutnotreally 3/11/2016 - 2:51 pm

Thank you for your response. Life is so hard. I am not going to harm myself while I am pregnant, I am just so stuck

AgentQ 3/11/2016 - 2:58 pm

If you attempt again please do at least some research on your method beforehand. If it is even possible to overdose on Xanax you would need around a gram to do it, which is 1000x the normal dose.

imokaybutnotreally 3/11/2016 - 3:02 pm

I drank a lot on top of taking it. I was sobbing hysterically and was on the edge and just said “fuck it”.

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