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I am afraid of letting others in

by Pheonix79

My mother is always helpful and so is the rest of the family. But if I do something they don’t expect, even they lash out at me. I don’t want to let them know how I feel. Maybe because my brothers and parents have always been so strong. I don’t think they will ever understand my condition.
I have multiple reasons why I feel like suicide is better idea. One of them is my religion. I hate it. There is too much violence. If I breathe a word against the belief of my religion, I might be burned alive. And yes that is allowed in my religion. They all say the same bullshit, that do good in this life and earn a place heaven in the other. And I always think, how do you know heaven exist? And when have you done good?
The other reason is studies. As everyone knows how much stress is given to studies in Asia. We have merits to look up to. Your parents enter you room saying, I heard soandso’s daughter got full marks in board exams, What about you, when are you gonna get good marks? And I could’ve done better in studies, IF I wanted to. But I don’t. I want average marks enough to live. However I’m surrounded by excels. Those people who get top notch marks. Who will probably get full marks in every exams. Those who my parents will prefer over me.
I really don’t like living. I’ve seriously become numb to any feeling other than sadness. I might not cry but I’ll feel the urge to do so. When I smile, it’ll only be to make others happy or for them to think I’m happy.
My friend has depression and she’s told me about it but she’s so strong. She has a wonderful normal life. I’d kill to live her life. But she says everyone has some sort of problem that the other won’t realize until they’ve been in the same place.
My exams are in two weeks. I’m supposed to get above 70 or 80 but currently I sit and stare at the stars. And I’m the youngest child in my family. And my parents do not like my demands. So I shut up.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t know what I want others to say about my conditon. I don’t know if I even want to be happy at all.

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3 comments

sportsnut 3/9/2016 - 10:11 am

im afraid to let others in also

Gary 3/9/2016 - 2:19 pm

Problem is that this all has gone way beyond help, or wanting anyone to care about us. Death is the only option. Leave us alone. We’re tearing ourselves apart and we don’t need help doing that. Grade A flunky. Just open me up and drain my life away. Please……

MyNiceSuicide 3/9/2016 - 3:21 pm

Studying should be a pleasure not a torture like you described. Einstein had bad grades and even like that he became Albert Einstein! The important is feeling ok with yourself. And all people here smile just because it’s a social demand. Life sucks! I have a life like yours: can’t feel pleasure in anything. It’s horrible indeed and I shut up some time ago about how I feel. Try to have some pleasure in sth, even if you decide for suicide, it’s your life, you can.

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