I wish I had an iota of the pride my old friends from the community have, one bit of the joy they have in challenging norms and bringing about a future without gender divisions or prejudice…
I hate being transgender. There’s nothing attractive or heroic or special about my fucked up not male not female body. I’ll never pass as the gender I identify as– not even now I’ve been on hormones for a year and have had all my surgeries. I still don’t pass. Never will. My bone structure makes that impossible.
I was an attractive person pretransition. I went on loads of dates, I might have even turned a few heads. I had no idea what a privileged existence that was until I made myself ugly transitioning.
At school I’m deep stealth, but it’s hard to tell if I’m really getting away with it or if people are just being nice and not calling my ‘bluff’. My voice is a dead giveaway, to the point that voice training can’t help me any more than it has.
I hate being a freak of nature. I don’t feel like a revolutionary. I feel like most people are instinctively repulsed by me. I’m too embarrassed to associate with my old trans friends because I’m so deeply closeted and they’re so active in the community: both because they might give me away by association (most of them are gender radicals and don’t even try passing) and because I’m guilty I’m not involved.
I really feel no connection to the LGBT community. I feel they’re a pretty tight knit group and they’ve got no time for people like me who aren’t all about parades and stuff and just want to assimilate and not just be known solely for my LGBT status by the world.
I feel like a monster. I look like a monster. I’m a monster.