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I am not proud to be transgender

by Kidiot

I wish I had an iota of the pride my old friends from the community have, one bit of the joy they have in challenging norms and bringing about a future without gender divisions or prejudice…

I hate being transgender. There’s nothing attractive or heroic or special about my fucked up not male not female body. I’ll never pass as the gender I identify as– not even now I’ve been on hormones for a year and have had all my surgeries. I still don’t pass. Never will. My bone structure makes that impossible.

I was an attractive person pretransition. I went on loads of dates, I might have even turned a few heads. I had no idea what a privileged existence that was until I made myself ugly transitioning.

At school I’m deep stealth, but it’s hard to tell if I’m really getting away with it or if people are just being nice and not calling my ‘bluff’. My voice is a dead giveaway, to the point that voice training can’t help me any more than it has.

I hate being a freak of nature. I don’t feel like a revolutionary. I feel like most people are instinctively repulsed by me. I’m too embarrassed to associate with my old trans friends because I’m so deeply closeted and they’re so active in the community: both because they might give me away by association  (most of them are gender radicals and don’t even try passing) and because I’m guilty I’m not involved.

I really feel no connection to the LGBT community. I feel they’re a pretty tight knit group and they’ve got no time for people like me who aren’t all about parades and stuff and just want to assimilate and not just be known solely for my LGBT status by the world.

I feel like a monster. I look like a monster. I’m a monster.


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PhantomCitizen43 3/22/2016 - 8:35 am

I met a transgender person and became friends with them for a while some years ago. After being friends with him/her for a while I found out just how hard her life was. It was a man transforming into a woman. She really did look like a girl and really wanted to finish the transformation with an operation. But the operation was expensive at 80K US dollars and he didn’t have the money for it. She had a hard time finding jobs to work because is was a she but on the license and records its a mans name. There were other bad things going in in her life.. like her family completely disowned her and the whole nine yards. I really found out over the course of getting to know her for a few weeks that life for her was really hard. The transgender community didn’t like her for some reason either. so I guess she was lonely and stuck between 2 genders and not really fitting in any place. I can see life for a transgender person is not easy.
Your not a monster. Hopefully you will find a place where you feel like you fit in and hopefully you will find love and all the good things in life. Good luck.

sportsnut 3/22/2016 - 8:54 am

hi u can’t imagine your pain.. i am here to to talk if u like

sportsnut 3/22/2016 - 9:03 am

i cant

namelessqueer 3/22/2016 - 1:33 pm

As someone who is an out and “active” trans queer person, it’s not easy. none of this is easy. You don’t have to find community with people who are trans as long as you find community and people you can depend on, people who know that you are not a freak of nature. You are just you. You don’t need to be more feminine or masculine in order to be you. Just remember that passing may be important for safety but whether or not you attain that goal that you put out for yourself, that other people impose on you, you are beautiful and amazing. even though the world tells us we’re ugly or not good enough, know that we are enough, we are more than enough.

If you wanna talk at all, if you need someone to send a long ranty email to or anything let me know. I’m always down to listen.

namelessqueer 3/22/2016 - 1:35 pm

And you have to know that there are still days, as the out and proud person who I am, where this world gets to me. Where I’m unsure, where I doubt myself or don’t love myself the way I can. It’s a struggle but I believe in every single one of us (not just trans folks or queer folks or people of color but all people).

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