So it’s holy week and i’m going home to my hometown and leaving the city for awhile. Ive been really difficult lately, ive been acting mad all the time ad im just so full of spite, i dont like it. i dont like being mean. but im just so mad. i failed school, it was supposed to be my last term but i fucked it up (after dropping out from a nice school and being in college for a total of 6 years and now my younger sister has graduated ahed of me and already has a nice job and a nice car) so my parents have been nudging me to go home and take a break. theyre so nice and understanding, its unnecessary, it really useless on me. but i really only said id go home so that i could be left alone and i decided id like to die at home away from my friends.
so i have a plan, im going back to see my psychiatrist here and im going to get my usual scrip of sleep meds and aprazolam then im going to pick a night when my mom leaves (shes the snoopy one who always checks my room if im asleep already haha, my dad is a heavy sleeper) and its just me and my dad at home, im going to crush all the pills i get my hands on and down it with some wine or something lovely like that, then im going to get a trash bag and im going to tape it around my neck and also tape my hands together so that when i convulse i dont fuck this up and not die. maybe i’ll do this outside the house, i wouldnt want my family to live in a place where i died in. i djust dont want to make it anymore difficult for them. but for now i will just wait for that peaceful sleep. i wont even say goodbye to anybody, whats the point. no letters, no last words. im tired of talking and nobody understanding. i’ll just leave.
it’ll be a few days now til i have that appointment with my doctor, i cant wait. but for now everythings a pain and all im waiting for is having that plastic bag over my head