All I’m thinking my about are memories right now. The current one(s): every time my alcoholic grandmother used to beat the sht out of me when I was little. Each time was utterly terrifying and cruel, and for petty (sometimes imaginary) infractions. What kills me is that after every time, she’d always wait a few hours, or maybe even a day, and then come tiptoeing back into my room to dry my tears and apologize. She used to say: “I’m really sorry [Kat]…do you still love me?” Or, other times, “…do you forgive me?”
I’d always tell myself that I’d tell her “no” one day. But I never would. Every time, every single time, I’d say “yes,” and go right back to being her little kiss-up. And the next day, she’d always beat me again. But how could I ever tell her “no”? She was all I had. My parents were out of the picture; she was all I had.
I’m sorry for that sob story. I just needed to get it out of me or I’d end up wrapping my hands around my throat again.
I don’t understand it either. But when I was growing up, every adult was that way. They either hurt you directly, with words or with their hands, or they hurt you through inaction, by not caring. By being cold. That was all adults.
I always strained for their approval but never got it. Not much different from my relationships with people now that I’m almost an adult myself.
Still pathetic. Sorry to say. I’m about to graduate high school, but only by the skin of my teeth. I don’t have very many friends, although I do have friends, some of which are very good friends and good people.
As for home, I still live with the aforementioned grandmother. I spend time crying, bruising my trachea, and writing books and comics, mostly.
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I am none too pleased with myself either.
Maybe you would feel a little better if you let out that primal scream.
I’m sorry about that.
All I’m thinking my about are memories right now. The current one(s): every time my alcoholic grandmother used to beat the sht out of me when I was little. Each time was utterly terrifying and cruel, and for petty (sometimes imaginary) infractions. What kills me is that after every time, she’d always wait a few hours, or maybe even a day, and then come tiptoeing back into my room to dry my tears and apologize. She used to say: “I’m really sorry [Kat]…do you still love me?” Or, other times, “…do you forgive me?”
I’d always tell myself that I’d tell her “no” one day. But I never would. Every time, every single time, I’d say “yes,” and go right back to being her little kiss-up. And the next day, she’d always beat me again. But how could I ever tell her “no”? She was all I had. My parents were out of the picture; she was all I had.
I’m sorry for that sob story. I just needed to get it out of me or I’d end up wrapping my hands around my throat again.
I’m pretty pathetic. It’s a recurring theme in my life.
I’ve always been a punching bag. Part of me can’t stop screaming that I deserve it. That I deserve that and so much worse.
Oh, that sucks. I can’t understand people who behave that way.
Like your grandmother (not you). You & I were typing at the same time.
I don’t understand it either. But when I was growing up, every adult was that way. They either hurt you directly, with words or with their hands, or they hurt you through inaction, by not caring. By being cold. That was all adults.
I always strained for their approval but never got it. Not much different from my relationships with people now that I’m almost an adult myself.
I feel the same way. Self loathing sucks.
Especially when you have nothing to distract yourself from it. I’m really weepy today.
I have a very itchy place between my 2nd and third toes on my left foot that no amount of scratching is helping.
(insert primal scream here)
Stop making me laugh, Hazy, I’m supposed to be sad!
@hazy I can help ya with that
You do find a lot of ways to make me laugh.
ya she is funny!
Haha, I meant you, nut. But Hazy too, definitely.
haha.. I know.. was goin for a double knee slapper.. see us folks “of the way” are not all sticks in the mud
Definitely not. 😉
I’m probably gonna end up choking myself anyway. I deserve it for using up the air. For being Kat. The worst crime I can think of.
the only choking ur gunna do is when nut creeps by fo a crop dusting
Ah, you can’t do that. I’m a minor, and you will go to jail.
for farting by you lol?
o.o *blinks*
You’re gonna have to look for sportsbra somewhere else, nut.
sorry crop dusting means silent farting …failed joke sorry
n.a. bro misunderstood joke.. Kat is my lil sis that’s all
Oh sht sorry everyone forgive the clueless asexual.
dang Kat scared me ..
Well, if nothing else, today I learned what “crop dusting” means…
Feeling quite worthless myself. Today is definitely a hugging kind of day..
I’m sorry Trey. You deserve better.
For some reason my kidneys hurt like Hell right now and I feel like I’m gonna drop dead. Wtf is this?
Is that you, Death? I’ve been waiting.
Ever had stones?
Only once. They were small though, and they dissolved before I had to pass them.
I don’t think these are stones though. Different pain.
This might be from my binge.
Today’s binge is enough of a reason for me to drink fcking bleach.
Bleach tastes TERRIBLE.
Yup, plus the anime is also TERRIBLE.
What about now, Kat? What is your life like now? School? Do you have friends there? Whats home like? What do you spend time doing?
Still pathetic. Sorry to say. I’m about to graduate high school, but only by the skin of my teeth. I don’t have very many friends, although I do have friends, some of which are very good friends and good people.
As for home, I still live with the aforementioned grandmother. I spend time crying, bruising my trachea, and writing books and comics, mostly.
I see. Sp commune is still game, if it becomes too much for you. Maybe try sharing some of your writing? Fictionpress is a site i used to use.
Thanks.
I hope people read my writing one day. It’s really all I’m good for. No exaggeration.
Share it with us?
Why not.
Tomorrow though, because I really need to sleep, and anyway, it’s kinda dead tonight.
Thanks for the talk.
goodnight kattttt. Dream about dogs doing yoga or something 🙂
Haha. Will try. Goodnight. 🙂
night Kat.. no more fart jokes