I miss them so. All of them. The place, even. Cold at times, warm at times…Inviting. A place of growth and happiness. I wish, more than anything, that I could be back there. A student. Or an instructor – for youth or (preferably) adults.
But…Nope! Probably not to be. I’ll just sit around here, going to college, bored, sad, lonely and depressed…Disinterested in everything. I swear I’m so fucked up.
Hasn’t anyone else felt like this? Surely so.
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The best thing was being outside of college, where people actually pay me to do things instead of me paying to do those same things (but with staff and peers to facilitate dialogue? I don’t know)… and I don’t miss those all-nighters every other week, but then, the crippling student debt comes back to haunt ya! I’m half kidding, I definitely felt my most depressed during college, bad combination of people, the workload, stress, expectations and also general dissatisfaction. I felt like I was supposed to be having the time of my life but couldn’t really relate and felt out of place with everyone there.
The two times I tried to off myself I ended up prolonging my BA program to 6 years, having to undergo therapy before the school would even accept me each semester. School was the worst, at least in my outside life I can choose to hang out with people that I actually like and not be involved with the awkward social politics of university.
I hate the university I wound up transferring too. It set me all the way back (now I failed my two most important classes twice, the second time I was so close to getting C’s in both classes.), but like literally none of my credits transferred. That makes no sense. I was robbed. I shouldn’t have come back here. Now everything continues to go downhill, no matter what I do it feels like such a waste. I can understand how you feel…