I’m a monster

Dad died when i was 47 days old. it was a car accident and the person on the other car died as well. I know it’s wrong, but sometimes I wish Mom was the one in that car. I know for sure that I would be happier. Is that wrong? that i sort-of wish mom would die? I know it sounds horrible… but what can I do? I’m a monster. I can’t feel a damn thing. I saw how one of my best friends was crying her eyes out today because her grandma died and i … I couldn’t feel anything. Not a single thing.  I tried to imagine what would happen if I lost MY grandma and yet, i didn’t even flinch. i don’t like talking about dad… not because I feel sad but becaue i hate knowing that i can’t feel a damn thing. How’s that even possible. it’s been so long since i don’t laugh like really laugh. I miss it so much. Carlos -my dead best friend- would always make me laugh. I miss him so much. How can it  be possible that when I do feel something which is very rare, I only feel sad or angry? I hate myself for being like this! Why can’t i just be normal and feel happy. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to sleep forever. I hope that’s what dying is like- sleeping forever.