I’m crashing…
I knew this would happen. The whole week I’ve been too busy, my mind too preoccupied with school work to dwell on the pain. Now, it’s the weekend and I have all the time in the world to feel the pain. I feel like the walls are caving in on me. I hate this feeling. I thought I was starting to get over it, but I’m far from being cured from this. This is who I am. An empty shell. An empty void. I’m just empty. Nothing. I feel absolutely nothing. There is no need for pretense when I’m alone. There is no need to put on a mask. My happy person mask. There’s no need for it. This is who I am. This is what I am. Nothing can ever change the fact that I will always be nothing. I will always feel nothing. I will always feel empty.
10 days of not cutting. 10 days. Today will be the day I end this beautiful long thread of not making myself bleed. I cannot take the pain anymore. I need to bleed. I need the release.
Tonight is the night.
34 comments
you are not alone.. we are here.. I am here
Thanks sportsnut. Maybe knowing I’m not alone is all I need to make it through the day.
that’s wonderful.. you were on my heart this morning..Will be here all day if you need to talk
I can’t take the pain anymore. I’ve spent the entire day in tears. I have a headache right now. The only thing I feel will help is a cut… or 10.
how about just a conversation with another crying mess of a sad soul…
A convo sounds nice. A nice distraction. I might even stop crying. Now….what to talk about?
Why are you sad sportsnut?
we can talk about anything … I am not judgemental at all and I am sweet too… sad about a lot of stuff but one my basketball team lost yesterday..hehe.. start with the more frivolous sadness
Ylem31, DON’T CUT! Make it 11 and then 12, i would say go ahead and cut but really it’s not a fair exchange, hurting yourself doesn’t help, i’ve never cut and to be honest will never understand why people do, do you like vampire movies? 🙂 i feel the things you do and just deal with them differently, Gambling is my way of hurting myself working hard and then throwing away my money, money that could be used to help myself or other people that are sick or really need it not corporations or trumps of the world, although i have learned to control it i used to be very very bad now i go occasionally and put a realistic number out and lose a few bucks, try to do that with your situation.
I’ll try to fight the urge. I’m only just staring at the blades for the moment and weeping like a baby. I haven’t done anything yet.
@Sportsnut… I want to cry. I want to scream out loud so everyone knows just how much I’m suffering. I’m tired of pretending to be happy for the sake of others.
It’s dark outside, not safe anymore for a girl but I’m going for a walk anyway. Keep hoping that someone comes out along the way and stabs me to death or something. That’s how suicidal I am today.
trust me… I understand… that’s how I felt yesterday.. it is a little better today..if you want you can record your scream and cry and send it to me so you are not alone..
Can’t really scream with all these people around. I can only muffle the sounds with a pillow and cry in the shower. I have to pretend I’m strong around them. Faking sucks. It’s exhausting.
I know …I’m home alone most of the time.. I let it out when I can.. actually my tears are usually dry
Sportsnut that’s 🙂
Ylem :/ what about trying to hit some pillows? Rage is healthy… But I am also trying to know what to do with it…
Sportsnut…since my family knows about my condition now, they watch me like a hawk. I’m in a dorm, screaming will be weird. I have to call them everyday. If I don’t, they call my friends to check up on me.
I’ve been crying the whole day, I have a headache now. But I still feel like shit. Nothing is cheering me up. Not even my walk. It was refreshing but some guy approached me and ruined it. Oh fucker. I was trying to be myself, then he comes up to me and now I have to humour him and put on my fake smile.
Sigh*
I had to cut it short. If only he’d offered to kill me, I would have definitely gone out on a date with him.
lol ylem31… that always happens when I walk to.. as far a being in a dorm that sucks having to be around all those people..I’m sure the exercise helps a bit even if it doesn’t feel like it..talking on here with friends helps me
@moneypenny.. I always try to get your attention when you are around but I havnt been successful..lol
Hay Ylem what’s up having one of them days feel free to email me if u want to talk man
@MP… I have so much rage in me you won’t believe. My family was actually terrified when I let it out this one time in front of them. I was punching the door and walls with my bare fists, they were bruised and bleeding. I want to hit something hard when I let out the rage. Like punch a tree till my knuckles bleed. I’m just weird like that. It helps because it feels like whatever I hit is hitting me back when it causes me pain. I’m not sure if that makes sense…
Ylem31k, stop looking at the blades and do something else, looking at them doesn’t help.
Not tonight Rocketman. I’m saying no to the blades. I’ll make it 11 days of no cutting don’t worry. You guys are helping me out here. Thank u.
Moneypenny….
I have a little confession to make. Ok. During my toughest moments, days like today, I’d call on ‘Lollipop guy’ for help even after everything that happened with us. (I know, I know, but I can’t seem to pull away.)
He was still willing to help and be a friend. I’d go to him and stay in his room. Since we’re in the student residence, my cutting has been very restricted because of a roommate. So, bathroom only. But when I go to his room, I cut myself as much as I want and he just watches me. He stops me when he sees I’ve cut too deep or too much. I even got him to cut my right arm and he made a few cuts on my back. He wanted me to stop because I’d cut too much and I told him I’d stop if he cut me. So he did.
Weird I know. But he’s the only person who understands me. The only person I can be myself around. The only person I can just breathe around and let the mask fall off.
I feel like calling on him now for help, but I don’t want to be a nuisance. I feel I’ve been a nuisance to him. I trouble him with my shit a lot. As understanding as he may be, I don’t want to bother him too much. I need a shoulder to cry on and his is always welcoming.
I think my borderline personality is kicking in here. I’ve become too attached to him. I’m trying to pull away from him because when the year ends, we will go our separate ways and I will feel very abandoned if things get too intense between us. It’s already hard for me to deal with my pain on my own. He has become my go to guy, and when I can’t reach him I reach a different level of insanity.
I shouldn’t be doing this cause I’m only hurting myself more. But he also helps me numb the pain somehow. Where will I ever find someone who doesn’t judge me for being so weird? The other girls just think I make my symptoms seem worse than what they really are. They say I’m pretending to be sick. He is like SP in a way.
I’m not sure why I’m telling you this, but thought I should get it off my chest.
Lollipop guy. This is like an episode of Girls or something. I am hooked.
🙂
😛
Ylem 🙂 as I see it it’s a nice thing you can at least share it with him. Two advices: identify what you get from him and know you can’t depend on him to get it. Yourvlife or your wellbeing can’t depend on No one else but yourself, so everytime you are with him know what is he doing to make you feel you can trust him (his sternness, his calm, whatever ) and after separating from him try to find that in yourself. as I see it, and forget me for saying this right now, long term relationships don’t exist.
But here comes my second advice: don’t feel bad, don’t judge yourself, try to enjoy things as long as they last. Period.that’s all you can do.
I am kind of amazed he is not actually being rude to you and I am happy for you about that.
And about bothering him, try to avoid it if you can control it or until you can and then just do it, again, not judging you.
You are just looking do things right but we allwaus get lost in that path…
And belive me: you are not weird. Be patient with yourself and you’ll find a way to heal (as we are all hurting ) I really belive it.
Hugs
hi moneypenny.. ive been tryin to catch up with you for a while to introduce myself but i keep missing you..
Hi sportsnut, hey mail me aboit anything anytime. I am always comming and going, but I love to write and read, and have lots of time in my hands 🙂
what is the best way to do that
*It was forgive not forget (when I said the thing about relationahips)
MP… You are awesome. Thanks.
I’m weird and so is he, and we both know it. Our weirdness is what we have in common, and a few other things.
He loves life though and I don’t. He’s trying to get me to enjoy being alive as well, but it seems to not be working.
He freaked out at one point when he found me standing on the ledge of his 9th floor window. He was like, that is not funny and pulled me back inside. I was trying to see if I’d be scared. But I wasn’t. I’m not scared of dying. I’m more scared of being alive and in pain than dying. My heart wasn’t even racing.
We haven’t spoken in almost a week. I need him now, but I don’t want things with us to be me in a crisis and him calming me down from it. He’ll be gone soon and I won’t have someone to calm me down when I’m in a crisis again. He even said so himself. “Soon I’ll be gone. You will have to find a way to deal with things on your own.”
Well, I guess I’m screwed. I was dependent on my brother. He carried me through all these years and helped me keep my emotions in check. His death hit me really hard. I wonder what losing him will do to me?
So he was the one that helped you when you were at the 9th floor 🙂 🙂
And that reminded me someone told me last week that suicidal people are trying to die to prove they are already death, so I think its great he is trying to to get you to enjoy life. You are lucky. And you are not death. ok? Your heart doesn’t have to race to prove it.
🙁 so he is going, well … :/ that sucks big time.
Start working on the idea of losing him, I stink at dealing with separations, but knowing things before hand do help. Idk
And maybe try and find some other friends…?
mmmm hahaha
sure…
ok, its mapaulab in gmail
or give me yours and i’ll write to you
ok hope that worked