I’m new but my thoughts aren’t

I finally joined after a few days of reading what people have written, which isn’t much different from what I want to say. I have had thoughts of suicide, I’ve actually been very close to committing suicide, I stopped myself from that one time, I held a knife that was digging into my neck. The only reason why i stopped was because of the effects on my family. I think of suicide everyday now, it’s becoming worse. Now i cut my wrists. I sit in my room alone and I cut myself, every cut I would make I would have tears in my eyes, and a smile on my face. I find it funny, every time I make a cut, I don’t know why I just do.