Inevitable

I don’t particularly want to kill myself, but it has become the only practical solution. I believe some people aren’t meant to make it in this world, and that I am one of them. I learned how to pretend and act normal socially, but I can’t maintain it. When there’s no one telling me what to do, I just sit there, so I find it very hard to pretend to have a personality in a workplace or in order to maintain any human relationship. For a while, it works, because I can listen to other people and run around and have fun, and talk to many strangers, but it is like carrying an awful secret to know that no one can know that I can’t figure out life and that I don’t really have a life and depend on other people’s ideas. Talking to therapists hasn’t helped because they just want to put labels like “depression” and “social anxiety” and prescribe medications, but I don’t know how to explain that I spent a lot of time watching everyone around me and trying to be (or not be) like them, leaving me empty. I can’t seem to grow up because I have the same thoughts every day. I used to follow my instincts in order to survive, but now my instincts aren’t telling me anything helpful. Life feels like a very strange joke and just a long, slow death. So, I would rather speed it up than be burdensome on others or end up all alone on a street corner. I am waiting until after my brother graduates from college in a couple of months. Honestly, if I could figure out life, I wouldn’t do this, but I can’t really fake who I am anymore and I just don’t seem to fit in society. I don’t feel like another 50 years of this nothingness. Has anyone else felt like this?