I never thought it would get this way again. Everything was looking up, I was happy. But I guess my happiness always has a nasty habit of running away from me and leaving me like everyone else.
I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared I have no idea what to do. I wake up shaking from anxiety from dreams I can’t remember. I’m not eating, i’m not sleeping. I just got a new job and I don’t even know how I’m going to manage that. I never want to leave the house anymore. What’s the point? I have a boyfriend, things seemed perfect. Maybe i’m just too hard to love right? Perfect… ha. What does that even mean. He was my home. He still is but just doesn’t wanna get close to me anymore. I mean, who would right? No one wants to date the suicidal and depressed girl.
I’ve cried every day for the past week. I take showers throughout the day just so I can cry without my dad knowing. Crying is a weakness. Crying is attention. Honestly, the last thing I want is attention. I just wish someone would sit beside me while I cried, not saying anything, but just put their arms around me and just be there. Be there with me.
What is the left for me? I have a beautiful dog who is my sunshine. She’s the reason I can still smile. My family is so destroyed, I don’t wanna be with them or even around them anymore. I don’t fit in at all. I never have. I’m running out of reasons to stay. I’m losing hope. I don’t wanna live my whole life terrified that one day I could get better, and then destroy someone’s life for being involved with me. No one should have to deal with my bullshit. Not even my family members who are “always there for me” but secretly think I’m over dramatic. It’s hard to understand what it’s like being inside someones head. Especially when they aren’t depressed.
So if I choose to go… Please understand.
2 comments
Have you ever talked to a therapist or any professional help? I myself have never spoke to a therapist and I’m on the same thinking process as you when it comes to suicide. But I feel like maybe talking to someone before you make the move may help a little. Because they want to help you. My plan is to off myself in May, but before then I want to talk to a therapist and seek help to see if any of my thought process and ideas of suicide will change. I know you made up your mind, but talk to at least one person first. I wish you the best <3
I have spoken to a therapist, many many times. Not recently of course. I know I hold a lot of anger in me from my past situations, I mean, I do really want to die, but when it comes to it, I get really scared. I have to honestly be in the worst mood and just totally broken down in order to actually attempt anything, at least that’s whats been happening in the past.. I might try to speak to someone to learn how to deal better than cutting my arm like I always do