I want to go back. Change everything. There was so much potential for happiness in my life. If only I hadn’t been such a fucking asshole. But now it’s too late. Now I’ve become this thing that I can’t let anyone see. I can’t make a connection with anyone because I have to put on an act. Pretend I’m a decent person, not a disgusting oxygen-thief. Can’t change myself to become decent. There’s some things you can’t come back from. I’m not sure what the right thing would be from this point. I’m guessing it would hurt. A lot. Me, and my family. A whole heap of suffering. After which I can’t see anyone wanting to have anything to do with me. So I still wouldn’t be able to connect with anyone.
Maybe the right thing would be to kill myself. But that would hurt my family even more. That doesn’t feel right.
It feels like I should endure my self-inflicted misery in silence, at least until my parents die. But I don’t know how to live like that. I’m not a strong, self-sacrificing paragon. I’m a selfish asshole.
I don’t know how to get through the next 20+ years, while life keeps passing me by, and I keep yearning for what everyone around me has.
4 comments
Yesterday, you told me that we are defined only by our actions, and not by our characteristics or by our urges that we do not act on.
So with that in mind, what sort of things have you done to make you an oxygen-thief?
Really bad things. I can’t go into specifics. Talking about it openly makes it too real to deal with. The only way I can function day to day is by operating a level of denial.
They’re things that seemed inconsequential to me at the time, but I’ve gradually come to realize reflect terribly on who and what I really am. I can’t imagine anyone knowing about that side of me and not being repulsed.
I wouldn’t necessarily say we are defined only by our actions, just that the characteristics that prevent us acting on an urge are more important than the urge itself. With me, I have realized that I was lacking in the basic humanity needed to keep that side of me in check. That is what defines me.
I’m also a horrible oxygen thief that has to hide his face or put on an act. I can’t even smoke a cigarette outdoors without feeling like a P.o.s. *shakes your hand
I don’t think you’re a bad person and nobody else probably thinks that way except yourself. circumstantial reactions that might not have been the best choice still must of seemed like the best action or only action you could’ve taken in said circumstances, it’s our self-sabotaging psyche’s that are to blame. I don’t know you personally so I can’t say for certain but you probably have been living life with an increased flight/fight response that makes you react to things on a dime and not fathom the consequences till after you react.
Try not to be too hard on yourself and focus on hitting the mental stop button before you make your bed any filthier to lie in. Reactionary actions can drown you pretty quickly and pull you even further down into guilt and shame and despair.
Don’t feel guilty if you truly feel your times up, people will be hurt at you being gone but that’s not something you have to bother worrying about. When your sh*tmeter is pushing firmly on the full end of the fuel gage that’s a living hell and nobody deserves to live in hell just to spare others some temporary grief at your decision to make a final exit. Making amends to those you’ve hurt before your departure is the best thing I think could be done if you did make such a decision. Admit you f’d up say sorry and that’s all you can do.
You don’t deserve a life of hell for anything you’ve done IMO!
I wish I felt I could write more right now. Just know that I can relate very much to what you’re feeling. So very much..