I am so tired of people continuously waking out of my life, only being there when it will make them feel better. I posted yesterday about the hell that I went through as far as being abused. It is the effects of the abuse that I have worked six hard years on getting past that keeps people walking out of my life like some kind of fucking revolving door.
I have worked so hard to get past every muscle in my body stiffing up and feel like I want to crawl out of my skin every time I am touched. Now days I can give someone a hug or cuddle up with someone. I have worked so hard to find the triggers that bring on my flashbacks. Some are still unknown but most are known. I know the anniversary dates that bring on my depression and flashbacks worse then normal.
I am so tired of people saying, change your attitude and life will be better. Or you are stronger then you give yourself credit for. If you think I could really do that don’t you think I would?
I am not asking nor have I ever asked someone to save me from the depression and the things that haunt me from the hell I lived through. All I have ever wanted was someone to stand beside me. Support me. Is that to much to ask and not be another person that walks through the ever so used revolving door?
This darkness, this loneliness, this life full of pain keeps pulling me deeper and deeper into the abyss. I was numb for so many years, but now, now all I feel is pain. There is no happiness anymore. Just a dull, constant, aching pain.
No one wants to understand. They just want to say I want to use a victim card when in reality all I want to do is talk, feel like I matter to someone. Instead I am made to feel like a burden or a feel better about themselves card.
I want it all to end. No more pain. No more revolving door. No more feel better about themselves card.
17 comments
thank you much for sharing … i will stand with you.. and i do think you are strong. you have faced things.. i sure dont know how to do that…
Thank you. I do not know how I have managed to get this far. I have kept pushing forward for so many years but I have run out of steam. I don’t want to go forward anymore and I sure as hell do not want to be what my father was. A monster.
The pain, darkness, loneliness has overcome me. Took 34 years but it finally has.
Hey too much pain. I get exactly how that is. Right now I’m wondering when the next patch of people are going to go and turn their backs on me. It’s absolute hell. Although I’m only 22, so you have years more of it to burden you. There isn’t much hope in this world. My only wish now is to be able to support myself. Don’t need anything fancy or a hell of a lot of money. Problem is, if I don’t strive for that lifestyle, then I’ll never accomplish a decent relationship.
So yeah. I’m rambling and not exactly helping at all. Just throwing in here that we get what you’re going through, and we’re here to talk and listen.
Thanks killer maggot. I strive to do the best I can every day. Some days it is a very hard struggle to get out of bed. I don’t have friends, I don’t have anyone to really talk to. As soon as I start talking the person I am talking to gets wide eyed and wants to get out of there asap. Then I never hear from them again and if I do hear from them it is just hi and then nothing else.
But yeah. Is what it is and soon they will no longer have to feel obligated to even say hi.
I’ve managed to hold on to a couple, but I’ve only got one I can really vent to. I made that one recently. People here seem to be pretty cool.. would be sweet if I could actually run in to somebody from this forum. xD
I thought I found one I could vent to. She seemed to really want to listen and understand but like everyone else she hit the door. Guess I should have known it was gonna happen but I really wanted to believe she was different. But I was wrong.
Oh I feel you. Again. My guard is up on maximum alert when it comes to my emotional barriers. I’m more afraid of being hurt by that revolving door than I am of my own depression and hopelessness at this point. The universal thing we seem to need on here is friends.. real ones.
Agreed a million percent. Just the thought of getting close to someone though sends my anxiety through the fucking roof.
Good morning Too Much Pain. You don’t know me (yet); I’m new here. I just read your post. But I do understand you. I feel the exact same way. Last night was particularly difficult for me. But once again, I survived it. You’re so right about people not understanding. Yeah, I hate it when they say that crap (change your attitude and life will be better); that’s just shit. It doesn’t get better. They don’t understand. And they don’t want to understand. We can’t just click a button or flip a switch and turn this off. Oh how I wish I could. But I can’t. The pain, yeah, it’s always there. Sometimes like a small annoying ache, other times like a roaring fire that is burning out of control. I’m also exhausted… from feeling like a burden to others and an embarrassment to my family. I’m slowly posting my life on this site. Venting, as you call it? I’m afraid to put too much too soon, as I don’t want to trigger anyone, nor do I want to seem whiny. But like the layers of an onion, being slowly peeled away, I’m trying to reveal myself here. I’ve never been under a doctor’s care nor on meds; but this site seems to be a good place; and writing (for me) has always seemed to be a good form of therapy. Anyway, in closing. My name is Jack, and I’d be honored to stand beside you. >>Smiling through the pain<<
Thank you Jack. I used to love writing song lyrics. It was one of my coping skills. I would write about all of the abuse I went through. I believe you read and commented on it yesterday. I might be wrong but I thought you did. That dull aching pain has been nothing but a roaring fire the last month. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed lately. I just want to lay here and not wake up. Then I know the burden would be lifted off of people. I have no family. My mother passed away four years ago, step father and grandparents seven years ago. I just want all this pain to end. The feeling of being a burden to end. As far as the change the attitude and things will get better crap, I want to punch the next person to say that in the throat. Better yet if I could I would put them in my shoes and let them try to walk a mile.
Amen to everything you said… especially the punching the assholes in the neck! Haha! That made me smile.
Yeah, the early mornings are tough for me too. I always wake up at 3AM or 4AM. Like clockwork. I don’t have an alarm. I just wake up. And then I think, “Shit, I’m still alive!” Dragging my sorry ass out of bed is no fun. (By the way, I don’t even have a bed. I sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor). Facing another day is no fun. Every day is worse than the previous, so every day is the worst day of my life. What am I waiting for? PULL THE GOD DAMN TRIGGER AND BE DONE WITH THIS MESS. But for some reason, I don’t. Haven’t figured out why.
Putting them in our shoes would be a neat trick. I wish I could do that. That’s another thing that pisses me off about people: Hypocrisy.
If we were to die, they’d come to the funeral and stand at the casket and say cheap things like, “Oh this is so sad; he had so much potential, so much going for him.” Yet, while we were alive, they treat us like worthless shit bums!
I know this is true because I have actually witnessed it a million times back in the day when I actually worked in a Mortuary and Funeral Home. People suck. They are liars, plastic, hypocrites! They say things and do things only to make themselves feel better, and usually at the expense of others.
That sounds a lot like my life. I just blocked a person(a woman) I know for 6 years because. I finally decided that after I had enough of her saying I play the victim and only I am to blame for everything..she never understood me. I always sit and listen to them talk and nod my head in understanding but when it comes to ME ..
What did I get in return in all this time? Cigarettes and coffee each time I would visit her? This is CRAP
And this is what I like about this blog : it’s full of losers-like me! But guys..it could be worse..I mean..you could be homeless and eating from a dumpster!
Hahahaha. Been there, done that! You know you’ve hit the bottom of the barrel when you find yourself fighting another bum over a dead seagull. Hahahaha.
But really, being homeless and shopping at the D-mart isn’t all that bad… I mean, no punching a time clock, no worry about taxes and the IRS, no worry about much of anything… well, except for maybe getting the shit kicked out of you by a couple of bored cops or railroad security guards.
Passionforalways, we are not losers. In a way I think we are the winners. It is easy for someone to go through life being all happy but we fight every day to get out of bed, to make it through the day without a melt down, to make it a day without taking our life, to face the struggles that we face and somehow we come out of it still breathing.
Well said Too Much Pain. I have thought the same thing many times. Society calls us losers, but I think the real losers are those living their lives with rose-colored glasses. They’ve sold their worthless soul to materialism. For what? Big houses, fast cars, fancy clothes, fine wine, and bling. All worthless things in my book. And they call us selfish? Hahahahaha! Fuck them! They are the losers. We’re the enlightened ones! How can a person not see the truth of reality… that existence IS pain? And once realizing this, how can they not be depressed? They say we’re nuts because we want to die. I say they’re nuts because they want to keep living. Living IS suffering. But they’re too stupid to realize it.