I sit here with thoughts of suicide swirling around in my head.
I don’t know if there’s a purpose to my life; why was I born.
All my life I’ve wanted to be loved; no one has ever wanted me.
I feel such loneliness, so empty inside.
I wish I could cease to exist, I don’t want to live anymore.
I hate myself and wish I was dead.
🙁
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
7 comments
That’s a lot to handle at once. I’m very sorry.
Try to remember that depression can distort one’s perception, and cause one to think in illogical extremes. Ask yourself this: are you *absolutely sure* that in your entire life, not a **single** human being has ever wanted you or been thankful for your existence?
I have a friend irl, not sure how he’ll feel if I did end it, I know I probably couldn’t get the courage to try though. I feel comfortable with people online who are like me, who go through similar emotions, and with whom I can talk about suicide. I do feel alone though, especially when I see all those around me who are not on their own, it really hits home when I see that. Approaching 50 and I know I’ve wasted my life thus far, what’s the point of a future.
Oh, Nias, I’m really sorry you’re feeling so down. A longtime lurker, I’ve read many of your kind and heartfelt replies and it hurts to know you’re in so much pain.
Driving home from work today I kept thinking, This is No Way to Live… Wishing every day I could just die and make it all end. The loneliness, the job I detest, the struggle to make it in this messed up world, etc., etc. So, I can relate to your woes.
Your words of encouragement and hope have meant a lot to me during the time I’ve been a regular SP visitor. Thank you for being here for others, and inadvertently, for me.
Thank you, it’s all I can say tonight, except- ‘a job I detest’, yes me too and nothing in life to offset it with, just SP.
Oh Nias, damn, are you trying to write MY biography? Those six sentences are pretty much how I feel. I am 50 years old (I’ll be 51 in July). And yeah, my whole life seems to have been a waste. I’ve always been at the wrong place and at the wrong time. I used to joke that when my ship finally does come in, I’ll be at the airport. Haha! I have to laugh because reality hurts so much.
And as far as wanting to be loved… I’m right there with you too. I was married (1989 to 2001) but that ended when my wife left me. I was in a LTR from 2002 to 2014, but that ended badly as well. I haven’t dated since my last relationship ended, and I haven’t even been looking for a girlfriend. My heart’s just not in it. After wasting all those years, what’s the point in doing it all over again? I am a ruined piece of meat.
In fact, I can say with all honesty that the only female who ever really did love me was my German Shepherd. And she died in 1995. Sigh.
The only area where I don’t feel exactly the way you do is where you said you hated yourself. I don’t think I hate myself. If I did hate myself, I don’t think I’d feel this bad. Do you know what I mean? When you hate someone, you WANT them to suffer. I don’t think either of us WANTS to suffer. Therefore, I don’t believe that we actually hate ourselves.
So much pain in this world. So much. I am just exhausted.
Thanks for sharing this deep and personal post. It means a lot to know that we have so much in common. I hope you start to feel better.
Your new friend,
Jack
I’ve never been successful with girlfriends, but loneliness hurts so much, I still long to find love.
Oh how right you are, dogs are wonderful at giving us a purpose in life, and of course cats for the cat lovers here. My dog Charlie was so nice, and having him around meant so much, as you’ll know only to well, as anyone who’s owned a pet knows. It’s a sadness we generally outlive our pets though.
It might be better if I said ‘I hate my life’, but if ‘my life’ is down to me then do I also hate myself, idk.
Yep, I love cats too. I’ve actually had more cats in my life than dogs. But in truth, I love ALL animals; that’s why I don’t eat them, or wear them, etc.
Yeah, relationships are tough, especially in this messed up society we’re living in. We are programmed from an early age what to do and what to be, and so everyone has this preconceived idea… and if we don’t fall into a perfect little category, it’s our fault and we are the messed up ones. I don’t buy into that shit. But how can one person change society?
Well, just between you and me, and anyone else lurking on this site (since privacy is non-existent in the digital age), I get what you mean about loneliness hurting so much. Nonetheless, after losing more than half my life to two relationships, I think I’ll finish the remainder of my worthless existence alone. When my last dog died in 2014, I decided never to get another pet. I hate to hear about people who have pets and kill themselves. I feel worse for the pets they leave behind than I do for them; they’re suffering is over. The pet will endure who knows what! And so, I swore I’d never do that. If I have a pet, my option for suicide will be put on hold. And at my age, I can’t accept that. Also, it’s a responsible decision. I don’t have anyone to leave a pet to, so, even if I was to die of natural causes, or a heart attack, or whatever, what would become of my pet? Yeah, I’m only 50, but it seems my life is coming to a close. Everything I loved has either died or left me, and the only thing I have is a job I hate, and all the bull crap that comes with existing in this fucked up society. Essentially, I have no reason to keep living.
I hope all that makes sense.
Thanks for your kindness!
Jack