life will never be as good as it was

So why continue? I’ve heard all the bullshit in many many years of treatment, but the truth is, it really does only get worse. At least when your brain hates you. If I’ve already lived as much as I can given the circumstances, why would I keep going only to experience pain. Those rare moments of fleeting pleasure? That’s not enough. I don’t really feel it anyways. I can play the part, act like I’m enjoying myself, but in the end, I’m empty inside, and theres nothing that can fill it. I’ve made it before, gotten exactly what I thought I needed to make me happy, only to realize that the pursuit was better then the results, and once there, I’m just as empty as I was before. All life is is distraction. Distraction from the shit we have to deal with all day. Were born alone, and we die alone, and once you’re gone, nothing you’ve done matters. Our lifespan as a species is for an finite amount of time.

I don’t even want to try anymore, I’m so tired of making progress only to have the rug pulled out from under me. I’m tired of looming homelessness over my head every day. I’m tired of my family hating me. I’m tired of never having anything to look forward too. I’m tired of losing people and places and things that were important to me. I’m just tired of living. Too weak to live, too strong to die, why would I even try.

Sorry about my disjointed ramblings, it’s been a really bad day and I just want to drop and stop. I’m going to treatment soon. Whats a few more months of my life in an institution. Ill try my best to wait until after that to make any concrete decisions, but the urge just gets stronger and I just get more and more sure as the months roll by.