I believe I am apart of a minority of people. I suffer depression and anxiety, but I am far too caring to kill myself. I couldn’t do that to my family. I’ve tried antidepressants, they did nothing. Someone I know from school recently went into a Mental Hospital and I am angry. She is in there because 3 months ago, her friend killed himself. She knows the reason as to why she feels so bad. I have no idea why I feel like this. My life is good, better than many. I am not ungrateful nor am I selfish, but I hate being alive. I wish suicide was an option. It angers me that I am stuck in this vicious cycle. I have been in counselling for almost a year now- it doesn’t help. Every time I go to a session I feel so bad, because I know I am wasting their time. I dont understand why I feel this way. It’s so unfair. I dont enjoy being alive, I haven’t for a very very long time and I cant do anything about it. Good things can happen to me, but this doesn’t mean I am happy. It is nothing but a temporary happiness, a bandaid. I am awfully jealous of this girl in the mental hospital, because she can get help for her problem. Because she KNOWS what her problem is. I dont know why I want to die, I dont know why I hate being alive. I just do? How can I get help when there is simply no reason? I am certain that there are people like me out there that feel the same.. but people like us have no choice but to suck it up and go through the motions. We just have to pretend that we do want to be alive, when in fact we want nothing but to not exist. It is awfully unfair. I used to self harm, but I now realise that self harm is pointless too. It doesn’t make me feel better and it doesn’t make me not want to die. I am hopeless, and no counsellor, doctor, anti depressant or human being can ever give me enough hope to wake up one day and look forward to life. Or to genuinely enjoy being alive. You cannot be fixed if there is nothing broken. This is something I believe I was born with, and I will never gain enough hope.
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A rapidly increasing minority I might add. A minority that deep inside knows what is really going on and is not afraid to feel its resentment about it. That, unlike the majority, would rather hurt itself than others. That historically has been responsible for all the positive changes that occured to our world. That seeks the ACTUAL truth, not the invented one.
I do agree with the “I was born with..”. It has been proven. I felt like this since forever. My son is like that, like me, but thanks to my experience I will never allow this thing to beat him. I may have lost my battle but I certainly know how to win his.
Today I wanted to kick the bucket again. But reading you and a couple of others made me feel a part of a community. A disorganised, sad, guilty, badly beaten community that actually takes all the decisions for what is to come.
So the question is: HOW? How would you play your part and make this world a better place for you and the rest of us, like all others who felt exactly like you in the past, but DID find the strength to change things around them.
I trully hope you find the path to your purpose
Chin up. Here for a chat if you need it, I’m pretty lame to talk to but we relate on here
I relate so much to this post. I feel the EXACT SAME way.
I know.
Its been a long time.
“What brings you here today?”
“So, were you ever abused? Physically? Mentally? Emotionally?”
“Are your parents divorced?”
“Do you drink/ do alcohol?’
“Have you experienced anything traumatic in your life?’
No. No. No. NO. NO NON NON NONONONONOO!!!!!!!!!!!
NO.
I am sad! I want to kill myself!
Help me!!!
DO I NEED ANSWERS TO VALIDATE MY DEATH!?!?
CAN’T I JUST DIE?!?!
Therapy is hard. Its like they search for the problems. It feels like I am my own problem. And the only way to rid of that problem is to rid myself.
Sometimes I think that people who have it worse, with addictions, or abuse or neglect, etc., they have….hope. Because their problems are laid out for them. They can work to better their problems. So that, people who aren’t quite sure what their problems are but want to kill themselves, they have it a little bit harder because, well…
it seems like the problem is themselves. No longer other factors they can work on.
And they can’t fix themselves like others can fix the other factors.
I am probably wrong on this theory.
No ones pain is worse than anothers…
I think.
I don’t know.
I know exactly how you feel. I have an amazing family. Therefore… I’m scared to take my life. The misery it would cause them is unbearable… They’re good people; they don’t deserve to suffer from my decision… So I feel trapped.
But at least people like us are not alone. I’ve felt this way for a long time and just recently found out it’s because of the expectations from both my family and society that make me so depressed. All the contradictory. And because of my social anxiety…
If you want someone to talk to, feel free to talk to me.